Every Day I Do

Sadly, this is another post loss post.

Unfortunately there isn't a whole lot going on in my life that warrants a significant blog post. Sure I have fun with my friends - an AMAZING time this weekend actually... but it really got me thinking that I want to be more OUT about this loss and maybe one day be able to stop wanting to CRY every single time I'm reminded of it.

Problem: People don't know how to talk to me about the loss.

I 100% understand that you don't want to ask me about my loss because you're afraid that by bringing it up you're going to make me cry. I'll admit that I probably will at the very least tear up, but it's not because you're bringing it up, it's because you've released the feeling of being a prisoner in this pain. I don't mean to make that sound so dramatic but that's a legit feeling. When you're grieving a loss that no one else can see or touch, unlike the loss of a grandparent/parent/sibling/friend passing away, it's not acceptable to be outwardly emotional, probably because other people can't relate to the loss in their own way. Fortunately, not many people really relate to my loss. I'm honestly thankful for that fact, but at the same time it doesn't mean that I don't want to grieve openly about it.

Keeping my emotions inside inevitably leads to what can only be called "ugly crying" and the most inappropriate moment. Why? Because I'm triggered into remembering my own loss.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't celebrate life and all it has to offer but there are definitely some topics that I wish people would just understand are triggers for me (some friends of mine learned this lesson first hand this weekend)

• Talking about an unplanned pregnancy and joking about the circumstance... it's not funny to me, I only see this as unfair. 
• Talking about newly pregnant friends/family.
• Seeing pregnant women, especially those that would be about as far along as I should be.

Whether or not I like to admit it. I'm super fucking jealous of people that are getting pregnant anymore. Especially those that have never experienced a loss for some reason... For some reason if you've had a loss it makes you more of a "role model" for me and something that I can look forward to... but if you haven't experienced a loss (that I know of) and you announced your pregnancy recently on facebook, I HAVE BLOCKED YOU FROM MY FEED. If you've just had a baby recently, I HAVE BLOCKED YOU FROM MY FEED. If you're friends/family of those that have just had a baby and I see you in a lot of pictures with them, I HAVE BLOCKED YOU FROM MY FEED.

Yes, it's dirty and sad in a way that I am not keeping up on the lives of those that have had babies. Some may call it selfish or whatever. But in all honesty, I don't care. I don't give a shit to see your facebook profile picture if it's your baby instead of YOU. I know your baby is what's going on in your life but for me, seeing babies is TORTURE. It's a mixed bag of longing and anger... which inevitably leads me to think that it's not fair that you had a healthy baby and mine isn't here anymore. I should be 6 months pregnant TODAY. 

Instead I'm battling every day with taking my temperature every morning, peeing on thousands of sticks to see if I'm ovulating, testing my saliva for ferning patterns, and doing far more than I can to really admit on a blog that people I know can actually read, and desperately hoping for a positive pregnancy test during the dreaded 2 week wait. I've stopped drinking caffeine at work, I drink pomegranate juice and eat the core of pineapples because these are things they say somehow increase fertility. 

I hope that I get pregnant and soon. I can't take much more of the pain of wanting a baby and seeing everyone else around me getting pregnant so easily.  

Status: TTCAL and hating it.