And here we are

I don't know what it is... maybe it's being thrown back to reality and being extremely busy at work (and sick!) but Lynn's death still doesn't feel real to me.

Currently I'm in a state of denial - to the point where I'm even wearing mascara today at work for the first time since I came back. I haven't cried in a few days. Probably because I'm just exhausted. But also because not being back at the farm means that none of the real effects of Lynn's death are hitting me.

At night when it's quiet and I close my eyes I sometimes see her. Many of the Salton fam have a picture of them with her as their facebook profile photo. That's kind of what I see when I picture her. Especially an image of her holding Nolan for the first time when she and Eben came to visit. Just all smiles.

It really sucks knowing what was hiding behind that smile. Was this sadness there all along?

I had a fleeting moment over the weekend when Nolan was sick with a fever that we should call her and ask her to come for the day while Brian and I go to work. I said it was fleeting. No sooner than I thought it did I remember that we couldn't call her anymore.

The reality will probably hit again on Mother's Day. I think we'll be going there to put flowers on her grave...

That sucks.

What Can I Do?

One of the hardest parts of this tragedy is how I keep going back and forth to believe it's real and knowing it happened to the times of my day where I'm busy and forget that anything is wrong at all.

Like, I'll be busy doing my thing - printing stuff and getting things ready for a conference I have on Friday and then it comes time to stuffing folders and nametag holders and, since it's a mindless task, I think about Lynn and what the fuck... seriously. I think "what the fuck?" and "why" more than anything.

I don't know how to react to this news other than the occasional mental break by watching some sitcom and trying to laugh because for those short periods of time I don't have to think about how Lynn is dead... or worse that she did it to herself.

I've been shopping like crazy, as if that'll do anything. Just spending money here and there. I ordered literally over $300 worth of Victoria's Secret. What the fuck? I know spending money won't bring her back but I feel like it's doing something. I KNOW how ridiculous that sounds. Maybe it's just doing something for me. Maybe I just wanted those cute bras and other crap that I don't really need but am telling myself that I do. Maybe this is all a catalyst for reckless behavior and in my case that means spending money that I shouldn't.

I just wish that there was something I could do that could fix this.

What she did was a mistake that she can't correct.

Gah, if I had a nickel for every time I made a mistake that I wish I could take back I'd be retired. I feel like that's what this is. Just a stupid mistake that should be fixed with an apology letter to everyone she hurt. Just like when you or I make mistakes, we do our best to correct them and then learn from the mistake and move on with our lives.

I know that Lynn would have regretted doing this. I know that this was a mistake. I know that given the opportunity to do it all over again she wouldn't have if she was in her right mind.

There's a reason why I'm not wearing mascara this week. Pretty much, without fail at some point during the day I know I'm going to cry.

I went through a miscarriage and I thought that was the worst thing that ever happened to me but I was wrong. Right now, this is without a doubt a million times worse. At least after miscarrying I learned something from it all, made a few friends, made videos for the hospital about miscarriage, maybe helped people in the process. I would never want to go through that again, but at least at the end of the day I have Nolan now and I've maybe made an impact on the world, even if it's small, because of my experience.

With this, I just don't see me really ever getting over it. I don't see myself at Christmas time opening up presents and not having a thought that this would be so much better if Lynn were here. I don't get to pick up the phone and randomly facetime with her and tell her all the fun things Nolan is doing.

The only silver lining - and I really was looking for one - was that we all got to spend a week together as a family. But fuck that. It wasn't like it was quality time. This is me trying to rationalize this bullshit tragedy into something positive. But it's not. It's always going to be an experience that will haunt me.

What can I do?

For myself, I need to do whatever I can to make it through the day. That might mean taking off earlier from work (I can see that happening today), going to grief counseling (I emailed a provider and am working to schedule an appointment), talking about Lynn and trying to remember the good times... even though now those good times are clouded with an asterisk.

*Lynn killed herself.

That's going to be the thought I have whenever I remember a story about her.

I'll try to remember just the good and that she wasn't herself in that moment when she took her life. But that's going to take a lot of time.

Fuck.

I hate...

I hate that every outfit I buy for Nolan going forward won't be seen by Lynn...

I am going through some serious retail therapy right now and just spending money like crazy. I know no amount of money I spend will bring her back but right now it's sort of helping me at least have something to look forward to in the short term.

I hate that any future child(ren) we may have will never meet their grandma Lynn...

It's like the possibility of happiness has sunk down a few notches. There's one fewer person who I know would be over the moon for us and love our future kid(s) just as much as we do.

I hate that if she knew how much pain we were all in I know she wouldn't have done it.

I hate thinking about her in her coffin...

I hate that I think that if she died any other way it would have been easier for all of us to handle.

Lynn Salton

I don't really know where to begin... but my mother in law passed away a week ago today. It's unbelievable and I am really inarticulate right now and honestly don't know how to process this.

People ask what happened, I tell the truth. She shot herself.

I feel so incredibly numb typing those words. 

I've rode an emotional roller coaster this week which has gone from shock, to sadness, to wondering why over and over again.

My heart actually feels heavy and sad. 

I'm trying to focus on the good, but every time I think of what a good person she is I just circle back to being sad. She was so wonderful, so sweet. So incredible. All that was a mask over her depression which ultimately took over a week ago. 

Our only explanation is that she wasn't in her right mind, that she wasn't the woman that we all love in that moment. Something dark took over and in a split second she was gone. 

I still picture her smile. 

I remember when we told her she'd be a grandma for the first time. 

I remember how excited she was to meet Nolan. 

I remember when I first met her, she took a picture of me and Brian and to this day that picture is up on her fridge (and I looked like a mess!)

She got an iphone so she could face time with us and see Nolan more even when she was far away. This was a big deal because technology didn't come easy to her. 

She got so excited for Nolan's birthday and Christmas and got him great big presents which he LOVES. 

She checked the tread of my tires which I had much neglected because she wanted me to be safe. I got new tires that next week. 

She'd be in the kitchen before anyone woke up ready to make breakfast to order as we all filed in one at a time. She loved making us happy.

She'd have a sudoku puzzle copied and we'd all race to complete it. I usually finished first :)

She wanted the very best for her children and she and her husband gave us a huge monetary gift every year which helped us with our wedding, building a down payment for our house, paying off debt, upgrading cars... 

She loved so much and so big that I can't even describe it. But something swallowed her up inside. 

I feel terrible. I don't know if I ever actually told her that I love her. 

I saw her the day before it happened. We sat together at McDonalds and chatted for about 45 minutes before we took off in opposite directions. 

If I had known it would have been the last time, I would have stayed and chatted a little longer. Hugged a little stronger. Definitely said "I love you." 

I was so thankful for her watching Nolan that I gave her the gift of a digital picture frame with about a thousand photos preloaded on it. I'm so glad I gave it to her then. Even though all it needed was to be plugged in to get running, she never took it out of the box. I wonder if the technology aspect was something that made her nervous. 

I wonder this and I wonder that. I wonder if I could have changed anything. 

I don't wonder if she loved us. I know she did. 

RIP Lynn. You'll be missed more than you could have ever known.