Lynn Salton

I don't really know where to begin... but my mother in law passed away a week ago today. It's unbelievable and I am really inarticulate right now and honestly don't know how to process this.

People ask what happened, I tell the truth. She shot herself.

I feel so incredibly numb typing those words. 

I've rode an emotional roller coaster this week which has gone from shock, to sadness, to wondering why over and over again.

My heart actually feels heavy and sad. 

I'm trying to focus on the good, but every time I think of what a good person she is I just circle back to being sad. She was so wonderful, so sweet. So incredible. All that was a mask over her depression which ultimately took over a week ago. 

Our only explanation is that she wasn't in her right mind, that she wasn't the woman that we all love in that moment. Something dark took over and in a split second she was gone. 

I still picture her smile. 

I remember when we told her she'd be a grandma for the first time. 

I remember how excited she was to meet Nolan. 

I remember when I first met her, she took a picture of me and Brian and to this day that picture is up on her fridge (and I looked like a mess!)

She got an iphone so she could face time with us and see Nolan more even when she was far away. This was a big deal because technology didn't come easy to her. 

She got so excited for Nolan's birthday and Christmas and got him great big presents which he LOVES. 

She checked the tread of my tires which I had much neglected because she wanted me to be safe. I got new tires that next week. 

She'd be in the kitchen before anyone woke up ready to make breakfast to order as we all filed in one at a time. She loved making us happy.

She'd have a sudoku puzzle copied and we'd all race to complete it. I usually finished first :)

She wanted the very best for her children and she and her husband gave us a huge monetary gift every year which helped us with our wedding, building a down payment for our house, paying off debt, upgrading cars... 

She loved so much and so big that I can't even describe it. But something swallowed her up inside. 

I feel terrible. I don't know if I ever actually told her that I love her. 

I saw her the day before it happened. We sat together at McDonalds and chatted for about 45 minutes before we took off in opposite directions. 

If I had known it would have been the last time, I would have stayed and chatted a little longer. Hugged a little stronger. Definitely said "I love you." 

I was so thankful for her watching Nolan that I gave her the gift of a digital picture frame with about a thousand photos preloaded on it. I'm so glad I gave it to her then. Even though all it needed was to be plugged in to get running, she never took it out of the box. I wonder if the technology aspect was something that made her nervous. 

I wonder this and I wonder that. I wonder if I could have changed anything. 

I don't wonder if she loved us. I know she did. 

RIP Lynn. You'll be missed more than you could have ever known.