Mischief Managed

It's hard to start this post. Mostly because it's hard to put what I'm about to say into words that will really convey my emotions through the experience of pregnancy loss to having 2 healthy babies at home.

First of all, I'm so incredibly thankful that I have Nolan and Maxwell. And even moreso, that they're both extremely healthy little boys! As a mother, that's about all you want is your children to be healthy and happy and I'm lucky that I know my little boys have a great start to their lives with great health and I hope that they're always happy with their lives.

For me, when I talk about "this experience" it bundles up the whole finding out I was pregnant in March of 2012 - and remembering the emotions that followed up with excitement in telling my family and a devastating crush having a late first trimester loss of that pregnancy. "This experience" also means TTCAL and being PGAL and the worry that surrounds both of those. And finally, "this experience" has led me to the birth of two healthy boys who are mine and I love with all my heart.

"This experience" really runs the gauntlet of emotions for me. I'm a person who holds on to sadness in what I think is a healthy manner where I'll recall emotional experiences and be able to shed a tear or two in thinking about them and it's cathartic in doing so. In the past (almost) 4 years I've gone from crying about every single day about my loss to getting back to my new normal as a person who's struggled with the pain of the loss of a child they never got to know beyond an ultrasound where there was actually a heartbeat at one point.

I think about that baby and what could have been.

I resolve myself to remembering that without that loss, I wouldn't have my Nolan or Maxwell that I have right now. It doesn't mean that I wouldn't have loved the everliving crap out of that baby, but because of that loss I have the family I have now. It's hard to really express why I'm sad about losing a baby when it means that I have the family I have today and I know with all my heart this is the family I was "meant" to have.

Nowadays, it's easier to talk about my loss in a public setting. I can usually get out the words, "I had a miscarriage," to relative strangers to help them understand myself and my struggles more - but sadly it's usually to identify with them as they relay their own personal struggles to me. I get out those words without a tear - sometimes.

Having had a miscarriage has shaped me into who I am today, I guess. It's a really shitty hand to be dealt and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone, but I'm thankful that I've been able to draw strength from within myself to try and help other people who come forward to me with their own struggles who know about mine.

Talking with people who are going through a loss currently almost serves as a window to the past for me. I recall how something innocent, like bringing a baby into the workplace, can be so hurtful for someone who's lost their child.

But here I am, on the other side of "this experience." When I lost my first pregnancy I remember wishing I could see into the future and know when I was going to have my baby(ies) so I could know that my story ends happily. It's such a relief to be able to say that I do have a happy ending and now I feel like our family is pretty darn complete.

To all the people I've "met" along the way, I hope that your story ends happily like mine. Many, many hugs to those that are still struggling to start/complete their family.