Something to remember her by

I realized I haven't made it public that we actually named our little girl. Although it hurts to share her name it does feel good to make her more "real" by giving her a name.

Adrian

This name was something that we both liked, but husband liked it for a boy - convinced that it was only a boy name, but I like it as a girl name. Although the spelling may be more gender ambiguous, we both liked it and thought it fitting because we weren't really sure if she was a boy or a girl. Both of us had such strong opinions that she was a girl so that's how we sort of decided.

I'm telling you - it's one of the hardest things to name your child. We still have a name picked out for a girl that we both really love... and it was hard not to use that name that we both loved so much considering we were both so sure she was a girl. I think the hardest part was knowing that we weren't going to use that name on a daily basis in the future. That's why we came up with an alternative name.

She has touched my heart in a way that I can't describe. And it's so unfair that she was taken from us before we even got a chance to see what she looked like, or dare I say it... long enough to drive us a little crazy? I long for the crazy. Big time.

I was in Target for a short while yesterday. I had to skirt by the baby & toy sections pretty quickly to avoid me crying in the middle of the store (I waited until I was in the car). Of course while you're in any public setting like that you're bound to hear the cries of a baby or a toddler throwing a tantrum. All I could think was just, "give them what they want!" Life can be so precious that it just didn't really make sense to see your child suffering for some arbitrary reason.

I know when I do have kids of my own I will find it hard to work with them at times. I'm fully aware that they throw tantrums because want you to buy something that you maybe can't afford or that they just don't need. At that time in Target though, I just thought - what I wouldn't give for a child to be screaming at me for something...

People who read this and are already parents are probably thinking, "just you wait, you'll have enough of it before you know it!"

I know that's true. Children are difficult to raise. But I'm looking forward to this.

Word.

In a tearful conversation I had with my husband - I decided that I want something to remember our special little girl by. Someone on a miscarriage/loss board found this Etsy site which has a lot of great things that I really want!

This is by far my favorite.

She takes custom orders although she's on a hiatus because she's traveling to take home her "new" adopted son from Korea! A lot of her items appear to deal with loss/miscarriages etc. Something made like this, I can only assume she's gone through it herself. It's heartbreaking to think about more people out there in this world that have lost a child in this manner...

Today has been a better day than most. I can tell you I certainly cried when sharing Adrian's name. I'm tearing up right now. But each day I know I'm making progress to healing my heart... Who knows how long it's going to take before I can think about Adrian without crying? Maybe never. But it does feel good to write about her and remember her.

Some things to look forward to

As part of my healing process - the husband and I have decided we need to have something to look forward to. So on a whim, soon after finding out about the miscarriage, we agreed it would be fun to take a trip up to Minnesota to see a baseball game and go shopping (so something for each of us!) We're going to stay in a nice hotel for the night and probably check out some fun restaurants! We are both really looking forward to trying a genuine "Jucy (sic) Lucy" from Matt's (as seen on Man v. Food). We are both convinced that the 5-8 Club (a rival restaurant who claims to have invented the Juicy Lucy) are a bunch of frauds and we want the original!

I am looking forward to getting away and doing something fun!

But I decided I needed something sooner than that. HAH! I just called a spa and set myself up for a real facial and massage gosh darnit! None of that PCI/student workers and having to have someone come up and check with me that they did a good job! So that'll be my Saturday morning... And I've never done this before, but I had this convo on the phone:

Me: I don't want to sound snotty, but I'm coming in because I'm having a very difficult week and I'd prefer if we don't talk during our services.
Salon: Oh that's totally fine, they usually think that clients get more out of the service when there isn't any discussion.
Me: Thanks! Just make sure you put a note in there there I don't want to talk about ANYTHING.

Know Your Audience

This is a prime example of when someone should freaking LOOK AROUND before you start talking. This is an actual quote that I just witnessed right in front of my desk. Yes, this quote was directed at anyone in the general vacinity and she and I definitely locked eyes at some point during her little pity party.

Keep in mind I know this coworker knows about what happened to me - not because I told her but because my boss AGAINST MY WISHES told 2 people in my office and she was one of them.

Coworker: Oh, I just got saddest email [this part was repeated at least 2x]... I had to give up one of my puppies and her new mommy just sent me pictures of her.

Yeah - that's super sad. I can totally feel your grief you self centered bitch. Thanks for sharing your not-even-close-to-sad news with someone who is 1 week and 1 day fresh from having a miscarriage. I'm so sorry that your puppy has been given to a loving family who wants to make sure you feel included in the puppy's life. That must be so hard on you since it was your decision to give up the dog and all. Things must be really tough for you right now, why don't you just go home and take a nap?

Know.Your.Audience.

Hmmm...

I have an idea for a new business. Basically - I go to goodwill and buy alllllllll of their glass pieces. Take them to my "store" which essentially is just shelves upon shelves of breakables, and about 10-20 feet from the breakables is a brick wall.

You take whichever glass piece you think would be the most satifying to smash and you throw it against the wall. You do this over and over again until somehow you feel "better" and you go home and then cry into your pillow while someone else cleans up after your mess.

That's totally healthy for me to want this place to be real, right?

Thankful

Even in trying times like what me and my husband have been through over this last week, I can't help but feel thankful for a few things...

• A husband that cares for me, never made me feel at fault for the miscarriage, and who was able to take time off of work to mourn the loss of our pregnancy with me.
• The fact that I had a relatively uninvasive procedure after finding out I miscarried - I never got cut open or needed stiches. I am healing with relatively no pain.
• Knowing that my husband and I CAN get pregnant and that we don't have issues of infertility to battle.
• The sad fact of the matter is that there was probably something chromosomally wrong with our child. While this isn't happy to accept, it does make sense that she was sent to heaven instead of living with a life of pain.
• Having the miscarriage earlier in pregnancy vs. a still birth later on. I can only imagine the pain that those women feel... One one message board I saw someone was 36 weeks along in her pregnancy when they found out they lost their baby. I pray that this never happens to me or anyone else, but the sad fact is that it does happen.
• While I would never wish this experience upon anyone, I am extremely grateful that I am not alone here. I find the support from message boards, friends that came out of the woodwork to share their experiences, my family and friends that haven't experienced this type of loss - they were all very supportive and made me feel very loved during this time.

Something that has been very hard for me has been facing some sadness while looking at other's happiness. I know it sounds so selfish to think this but I do. It's been very difficult for me to even log onto facebook for fear of seeing baby pictures, ultrasounds, pregnancy announcements etc. So if you're trying to get a hold of me, try email or texting - I'm boycotting facebook for a while until I can start to feel happy for everyone else's happiness. This is not meant to make anyone feel they need to stifle their happiness, by all means. Just know that for me during this time - it's been very difficult to see certain things.

Today was a very good day. To get my mind off of things I went to DSM and spend the day with friends grilling, playing volleyball, chatting, and catching some sunblock protected rays. I came home covered in sand because I bit the dust quite a few times in stretching for the volleyball on the hot as lava sand. Today was also the week anniversary of me finding out about our loss. While it makes the day hard to swallow, it was great spending it with friends instead of at home moping about my life.

What happened did suck, but I have so much to be thankful for.

Unfair

This morning I woke up and my heart instantly felt sad and not complete. I got up and ate breakfast and cautiously turned on the TV. I only have a few channels that I like to watch and up until this week I never had a problem with any of the regularly scheduled programming. Now I'm afraid to turn on MTV - I don't watch MTV that often but on mother's day weekend there was a marathon of 16 and Pregnant which I gladly watched.

Now I'm scared to even turn on the TV and not be able to control what I see, like what commercials come on... will there be a diaper commercial? Or some kid's toy commercial? Will I flip through the channels and see some 16 year old girl who is like 8 months pregnant with a douche bag boyfriend and unsupportive family about ready to give birth to her first child which she knows she's not ready for but plans to keep anyways?

I know I shouldn't judge other people or even let circumstances of the lives of other people effect me so much, but I have to say it hurts incredibly to see some girls who are on a TV show that is made for the purposes of showing off a pregnancy that was unintended and perhaps unwelcome.

In my circumstances, getting pregnant was planned and was very welcome. Although I have to admit after seeing the first positive test result I was in such shock that it happened for us so quickly that I quickly felt so unprepared. My husband and I went out and bought a house within weeks of getting the positive pregnancy test because I didn't think our apartment was an appropriate place to bring our child home for the first time.

Now that we're not having this baby but still moving into a big house which will have 3 empty bedrooms... one of which I was excited about turning into a nursery... well it's just not as exciting anymore. While I'm definitely excited that we're buying a house and excited that one day we will fill it up with our kids it just hurts because now we're going to have guest rooms instead of baby rooms.

I went to work yesterday for the first time all week. I also planned on only staying for a half day to sort of ease my way into the work world again. It wasn't too bad. I actually woke up and thought "I'm excited to go into work today." Who thinks that? Well anyways, I kind of did my hair and did most of my makeup (minus any eyeliner or mascara for obvious reasons) and went to work. I felt strong for the most part, I got work done that needed to be done and send out some newsletter articles to be reviewed by the department chair and even the person I was writing about. Maybe not my best work but I was focused on work rather than my self pity.

About 11:40, 10 minutes before I was scheduled to leave for the day... I hear cooing in the office. Nothing distict could be made out but you could tell from the tone of the voices that it was something like "oh so cute" or "awwwwwww". I quickly messaged a coworker and asked her why people were cooing, praying inside that someone just brought their puppy into the office... but no it was a baby. She told me to shut my door and before the door even slammed shut tears started forming in my eyes. I had to hear a baby at work... today of all days. I heard the baby and whoever was carrying the baby walk past my office and the baby let out some sort of cry. I cried harder. Any other day I would be out there cooing with the rest of my coworkers but that just wasn't what I needed my first day back. Some unidentified baby in the office just being cute and making me envious for her mother who was able to have a baby and able to hold him/her in her arms and show him/her off in the office.

I can only imagine what she thought of me. I slammed the door shut, didn't even look at the kid. I wonder if she thought, "well I didn't mean to be a distraction to the workers here" and quickly ran off... she certainly couldn't have known my pain that day or from earlier in the week. She probably just judged me as some sort of baby hater and went on with her day. At least that's my point of view since I'm of course the center of everyone's universe. Of course what really probably happened was I closed the door and she didn't even notice or care to judge me at all.

So it's Saturday, approximately 3 days after my surgery and 5 days after I heard the worst news in my life. I ate cereal for breakfast and a bowl full of raspberries with whipped cream. I watch Jersey Shore on netflix because those people have real problems *sarcasm*. But at least they don't talk about their unwanted pregnancy... not yet anyways.

In about 3 months I'm told that I will have recovered enough to begin to think about trying again. Well there's no risk of TMI on my blog anymore, if you've gotten this far you kind of know what's on my mind and I assume you know where babies come from so yeah I'm looking forward to trying again. But I'm also terrified.

Part of the fear of my pregnancy before there was anything to be afraid of... was having a miscarriage but not knowing about it. That's exactly what happened to me. A Missed Miscarriage - or a "Missed Abortion" the actual term of my condition. The fetus dies but the mother shows no symptoms of miscarriage for at least 2 weeks since the death. Yup. My worst fear. I kind of assumed if I were to miscarry that I'd have the cramping and bleeding everyone talked about. But no, I went along with my daily life no differently than any other day. The only symptoms to speak of were my sudden lack of morning sickness and my boobs weren't hurting anymore. Just like that. I kind of thought that was normal for me, I've never been one to get crampy at that time of the month or anything so in my head I always assumed pregnancy would be easy for me.

What am I going to do the next time I see a positive pregnancy test? How am I possibly going to know the baby is growing normally and healthy inside of me without going and seeing a doctor every day... or twice a day! I never thought I'd be the person that needed to do that, I'm no hypocondriac or however you spell that word... but I am going to need reassurance. There are "dopplers" you can buy for at home to hear your baby's heartbeat. They're not expensive - like 50 bucks or more I guess if you want a higher quality one. But yeah I'm definitely going to have to buy one of those. And the first morning I wake up without the morning sickness, I'm probably going to set up an emergency visit with my midwife... Ugh. It's going to be 9 months of hell until I actually hold my baby in my arms.

I've discussed what happened to me on some message boards. Not really a whole lot. It's hard to write what you're feeling when no one really responds on those boards. I'm sure no one really knows what to say to each other. What do you say to a complete stranger who is going through the worst experience of their lives?

One thing I have gained from the message boards is a term... "Rainbow Baby." I don't know the exact origin of this term but I can only assume it comes from the rainbow at the end of the storm. The bright and colorful future with sun and warmth. I can't wait to meet my little rainbow baby. But I'm still mourning my loss.

Moving On

Every day is probably going to be a struggle for me, but now that it's been a few days since I found out this news I am back at work for a half day. I decided that it's also a good idea to see a counselor to talk to about my issues and see how I can take the brightest possible path in my grief process.

But before I go on about how I plan on moving on - I just wanted to say that I am sooo glad I wrote that post yesterday. I am still hurting but somehow it hurts far less. I have received so many messages wishing me and Brian well and even some people reaching out saying they've gone through the same thing that I have been going through this week. The best part of reading those messages certainly is knowing that I'm not alone. I am looking forward to a good old fashioned sob-fest this weekend with a good friend who has gone through something similar and now has a beautiful baby boy!

Anyways - I'm committed to not letting myself go down a dark path.

There is a bright future for me and Brian - I'm sure of it. Until then, I'm committed to making myself better and taking it all one day at a time.

This final clip from the movie castaway says a lot about how I'm feeling now and what I need to do to move on.

Sadness

This has been the worst week of my life.

Some people, including myself, have overused that sentence when they've had a rough run in with the boss or maybe a fight with a friend or whatever, but I swear I've got you beat. This week was literally a soul-crushing, heart breaking, living in a nightmare kind of week.

About 2 months ago I took a pregnancy test and saw that there was an extremely faint little line there... Brian and I are in the stage right now where we are ready to have kids and this was obviously an amazing thing. The line was so faint though that we weren't sure what to make of it, so I went to the hospital and got my blood tested for HCG and as it turned out - I was pregnant!

It was still very early on, not even 4 weeks pregnant at this time. I had to wait a grueling 4 weeks until I could go see the doctor and get this picture taken:

Here's our little gummy bear.

On this day we saw the heartbeat... what an incredible sound. It was going about 174 beats per minute which is normal and healthy for a baby at 8 weeks 5 days.

Little did we know that our baby was likely to die the very next day.

We were so excited to tell people about our pregnancy, telling family and friends slowly but surely. I wasn't keen on telling everyone right away but when someone notices a beer wasn't in my hand it got pretty obvious. So people started to find out. I got to tell all of my siblings in person, even Christian all the way in Seattle... Everyone knew about our special baby that was due on December 5, 2012.

Well this story doesn't have a happy ending. In what I thought was my 11th week of pregnancy I go to the doctor for a normal visit. Excited to hear any news about my baby, I don't even care that I have to go through a pelvic exam. The midwife puts the doppler on my stomach to hear the heartbeat... but couldn't find it. She asks if I've had any bleeding or cramping and I say that I haven't...

To put me at ease she says that babies move around a lot at this stage of pregnancy and it can be sometimes hard to find the heartbeat so I'll just go see an ultrasound tech just to be sure everything is going ok.

I started to panic a little. I texted my sister and said that I was probably freaking out over nothing but they couldn't find the heartbeat using the doppler... I told her I was waiting for the ultrasound and that I should look at this as a blessing in disguise because I'll get to see our baby again! I get into the ultrasound room where instantly my excitement turned to panic... what if they don't find the heartbeat? What am I going to do?
To be perfectly honest - at that point I thought if they couldn't find a heartbeat I would be suicidal... I was so scared and I was like - just get this thing going and let me see my baby's heartbeat already!

Unfortunately right away the ultrasound tech told me that she didn't see a heartbeat. I immediately started crying and screaming in a way that I can not even describe now. I put my hands over my eyes and just shook my head going "NO NO NO" while the tears rolled down my face. I saw my baby on screen and there was no flicker... no heartbeat.

I found out later that because of the size of the baby it probably died around 8 weeks and 6 days. Which was literally the day after we saw our baby for the first time. Which was the day I told my close friends at work, which was the day I sent texts to my family with a picture of our little gummy bear... she really looked like a gummy bear too with little arms and legs...

I was shuttled from room to room at that point, first to the room where I first met with my midwife. She and a nurse both offered me their condolances. I cried harder as they assured me that I did nothing wrong and that these things sometimes happen. I was ushered into another room where I met with a doctor... she told me that there was nothing they could do at this point, despite my pleading that there had to be something I could do to change this... She said that my best option for recovery was to do a D&C which basically means they go into my uterus with a spoon and scoop out the "product of conception" as the doctor so politely puts it. Go fuck yourself, doctor... that's my baby you're talking about.

The next 2 days are torture. I tell my friends and family via email what happened and I ask that I don't get texts or responses to the email. Nothing additional to remind me of the hell I'm living in. It is a nightmare and that's the only way to describe it.

At the hospital I called Brian at work and talked to the receptionist - I can only imagine what she was thinking when I could barely speak through my cries that I needed to speak to my husband right away. She gets him on the phone and I scream out in panic "they can't find a heartbeat!" which at that point no one had actually said the words to me "miscarriage" or "death", nothing concrete to really tell me what was going on... just that there was no heartbeat and that I could only infer that my baby wasn't going to be held in my arms ever.

As Brian calls me back and tells me he's on the way I say something that makes it click for Brian that our baby is gone. I don't remember what I said but only his response was "you mean we're not having a baby?"

Feelings at this point:
Ummm how do you describe your heart being eaten away bit by bit but also ripped out of your chest at the same time? That's what it felt like.

We both hug each other when we finally see each other probably an hour or so after the diagnosis. I of course am a blubbering pool of crying and he is stoic but I can tell there's pain. I know he's going through hell but he's only hearing this from me. I heard the news from doctors - I'm sure he doesn't know what to think coming from me. I told him that if I were in his position I'd demand to see an ultrasound to get the proof - to see that there is no flicker, because I so desperately need to see an ultrasound again to prove to myself that this isn't a giant mistake. How do I know that there wasn't something wrong with the machine?

Of course there isn't anything wrong with the machine... I am just looking for something to blame besides God or myself. As I break down the next two days I think of only two things:
-I can't wait to get this procedure over with so I can move on
-These are my last moments with my baby...

My mom took the day off of work on Tuesday and came down and spent the day with me and Brian. The day is a roller coaster of me feeling like I can laugh at something funny on TV but then crocodile sized tears start dripping from my eyes as I think of my reality.

How does this happen? Why does this happen? And why to me? What did I do wrong? I took the prenatals, I've been exercising and eating as healthy as possible. I want this baby! Why take her from me?

(At this time I break to note that both Brian and I felt very strongly that our baby was a girl. But it was too early to tell so we aren't 100% sure)

For surgery the next day I was instructed to not eat or drink anything after midnight. Well this proves to be difficult when you're dehydrated and want a sip of water or when that rumble happens in your stomach in the morning for cereal... so I jump in the shower and for some reason I decide since I have the time I'm going to shave my legs. Something I learned that most women don't do the day they're uterus is going to be scraped out - who knew? For some reason I thought I wanted to make myself as put together as I could because I knew at that moment I had the strength to take care of myself and other times I wouldn't have that same strength... for instance this morning all I did was take a bath and cry by candlelight.

I went into surgery - my first real surgery since my wisdom teeth extraction in high school - but I don't know if you can count that since I got to eat ice cream afterwords and pretend that the tooth fairy still existed to extort money from my mom. Of course I still get to eat ice cream but I get the feeling I'm sinking into a pit and so desperately don't want to let myself get to far down...

Back on track - I go into surgery - they wheel me on my little bed and I'm taken into the "holding area" where nurses and the anethesiologist surround me. I tell them to inform me if I should look away while they use my body as a pin cushion to insert IV's or what not. This part moves rather quickly - it wasn't like waiting for the dentist and you're like common I've been here for 15 minutes let's get my appointment on the road. I don't know if the time went fast because I was scared or sad or some crazy combination of the two. I am taken to the OR where I get onto another bed and told to position myself according to their rules. Almost simultaneously the anesthesiologist works his magic and I'm put under almost instantly.

At this point I certainly must thank modern medicine for the ability to knock someone out. I honeslty think that through time they've learned that a mother who has just lost her baby must be knocked out during this process even though I'm sure local anesthesia would do the trick. The sobbing might be a distraction for the surgeons.

After I wake up I'm surrounded by nurses. Their names I remember are Elizabeth and Ruth - Elizabeth I remember for obvious reasons, but Ruth because that was another option for my own name before I was born. They offer me their condolances and I try to cheer everyone up at this point by joking about Greys Anatomy or something like that... Waking up from anesthesia is always a little interesting in my 2 experiences. Both times I just wanted to talk almost just to hear the crazy stuff that comes out of my mouth. Kind of like that episode of 30 Rock where Liz meets her Future Husband (BEST EPISODE/CHARACTER EVER).

After the surgery I think whatever they put in my IV made me feel euphoric. Or as euphoric as one could feel in this situation. One of the drugs they gave me reduced my salivary secretions, and other secretions as well (read: tears). I couldn't cry the rest of the day. I literally thought it was so weird that I felt nothing inside, no pain... it was almost as if I had made up the whole story about me being pregnant and now the story was over. That's literally how detached I felt from reality. I knew of course what my reality was and why I felt that way in the first place and I kept wondering if I was going to feel pain again - I honestly thought if I can't feel pain then life isn't worth living. It sounds weird to say that but I'm really just trying to tell this story in it's entirety - while the feelings are fresh in my head. I though that if I couldn't feel the hurt about losing our baby then I was dead inside and I didn't know how to move on from that.

I couldn't cry the rest of the day.

In fact - I made jokes, I laughed with my best friend on the phone, I typed an entire email to my family letting them know exactly how fine I was and looking back I realize that the email must have sounded so cold or detached. I don't know... It was just a very weird feeling.

Of course that brings us to today - Thursday.

Feelings have returned. I'm not dead inside. But it does feel like a huge chunk of my soul is missing. Like it was ripped from my body and I have nothing but darkness left inside of me. I screamed "WHY" while kicking over my fan and slapping the walls with my hands.

I know this is all part of the grief process. I'm sharing this story because I'm not going to let miscarriage be a stigma anymore - at least not for me. The pain I'll carry for the rest of my life is going to be hard enough without having to keep it a secret. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. But I do want to extend a hand out to those that may be going through this experience. And maybe we can go through it together. We aren't alone in this... please reach out.

Why I Will Never Vote Republican

Gay rights are one of the most driving forces behind me being liberal. When I was in high school and learned that conservatives are typically against gay marriage that struck a cord with me. I have never thought that gay people should be treated less equally than straight people. Marriage should be recognized because of the love it represents.

"While President Obama has played politics on this issue, the Republican Party and our presumptive nominee Mitt Romney have been clear. We support maintaining marriage between one man and one woman and would oppose any attempts to change that," Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus said.

If you're going to try and stop progress and hide behind your bible as reasoning - then that's not ok with me! There is no real reason why anyone should pour money down the drain to prevent gay marriage from becoming legal. There are families losing their homes, and people are starving all over the world - yet people are campaigning and spending hard earned money to oppose something that I KNOW will become legal in my lifetime. And then there's the good people who are donating money to support gay marriage causes - that money could also go somewhere where real good can come of it.

I shouldn't put a blanket "I will never" on something when I suppose it's likely that I may go one route or another. However, if you're a republican candidate that supports gay marriage - you're going to be torn apart by the GOP. But if you're a republican candidate that supports gay marriage, I may actually give you a fighting chance at winning my vote.

Fruit Yogurt

Ok serious question you guys... why do they make yogurt with chunks of soggy fruit in it? Maybe I'm alone here but I hate the fruit in yogurt. Those chunks are just in your otherwise smooth and refreshing yogurt... just lurking. Waiting. Waiting for you to take a bite when your unsuspecting tongue frantically feels the different texture in your mouth and you find it in your brave soul to either swallow the chunk whole or to... chew it.

Suggestion to yogurt companies: Blend that stuff up! You'll still give me the natural flavors, all the while still sweetening your yogurt with FAKE sugars in order to call it light. Pffffffft

I am not pleased with yogurt right now.