Something to remember her by

I realized I haven't made it public that we actually named our little girl. Although it hurts to share her name it does feel good to make her more "real" by giving her a name.

Adrian

This name was something that we both liked, but husband liked it for a boy - convinced that it was only a boy name, but I like it as a girl name. Although the spelling may be more gender ambiguous, we both liked it and thought it fitting because we weren't really sure if she was a boy or a girl. Both of us had such strong opinions that she was a girl so that's how we sort of decided.

I'm telling you - it's one of the hardest things to name your child. We still have a name picked out for a girl that we both really love... and it was hard not to use that name that we both loved so much considering we were both so sure she was a girl. I think the hardest part was knowing that we weren't going to use that name on a daily basis in the future. That's why we came up with an alternative name.

She has touched my heart in a way that I can't describe. And it's so unfair that she was taken from us before we even got a chance to see what she looked like, or dare I say it... long enough to drive us a little crazy? I long for the crazy. Big time.

I was in Target for a short while yesterday. I had to skirt by the baby & toy sections pretty quickly to avoid me crying in the middle of the store (I waited until I was in the car). Of course while you're in any public setting like that you're bound to hear the cries of a baby or a toddler throwing a tantrum. All I could think was just, "give them what they want!" Life can be so precious that it just didn't really make sense to see your child suffering for some arbitrary reason.

I know when I do have kids of my own I will find it hard to work with them at times. I'm fully aware that they throw tantrums because want you to buy something that you maybe can't afford or that they just don't need. At that time in Target though, I just thought - what I wouldn't give for a child to be screaming at me for something...

People who read this and are already parents are probably thinking, "just you wait, you'll have enough of it before you know it!"

I know that's true. Children are difficult to raise. But I'm looking forward to this.

Word.

In a tearful conversation I had with my husband - I decided that I want something to remember our special little girl by. Someone on a miscarriage/loss board found this Etsy site which has a lot of great things that I really want!

This is by far my favorite.

She takes custom orders although she's on a hiatus because she's traveling to take home her "new" adopted son from Korea! A lot of her items appear to deal with loss/miscarriages etc. Something made like this, I can only assume she's gone through it herself. It's heartbreaking to think about more people out there in this world that have lost a child in this manner...

Today has been a better day than most. I can tell you I certainly cried when sharing Adrian's name. I'm tearing up right now. But each day I know I'm making progress to healing my heart... Who knows how long it's going to take before I can think about Adrian without crying? Maybe never. But it does feel good to write about her and remember her.