2 Weeks Since D&C

...Anyone who's had a D&C know's what that means...

It's unbelievable how different I feel now than I did 2 weeks ago. My outlook is becoming brighter which is great considering how unbelievably negative I was feeling. I'm talking really DARK feelings. I never want to go through another loss like that again but I remember those 1st few days after finding out about our miscarriage thinking that it would be impossible to feel happy again.

Today I found myself joking with my coworkers about how they taped shut my favorite stall in the bathroom. You know, the one that doesn't automatically flush if you scratch your arm let alone when you make a reach for the toilet paper. Ughhhhh #1stworldproblems.

I've actually found myself really adapting to the automatic flusher at work. Since I just flood my body with water all day long I make frequent trips to the restroom (when I leave I feel 100% rested). At home I barely move a muscle in fear that the toilet is going to go off. Then I remember, "I'm safe here." And then I feel free to roam about my cabin.

One of the processes after a miscarriage is the reducing of the hCG in your body. For my family and friends who aren't obsessed with TTC, hCG is the hormone in your body that would give you a positive result on a pregnancy test. It's also a chemical injection given to people who want to lose weight, a'la the hCG diet. This is a real thing. And I have to believe it works because there isn't a pregnant woman I've met that didn't LOSE WEIGHT during her PREGNANCY. [I believe the diet is a whopping 500 calories a day and you have to go in 2x/week for injections].

Anywhoo - As of Friday I still had an hCG count of around 100 in my body. The doctor didn't realize who anal I am, nor did he realize that I absolutely wanted to know the exact number and he didn't share it with me. Grrrr. I wish I knew the exact number but I suppose knowing it's in the 100's is a really good sign. The hormone hCG doubles in count every 2 days early in pregnancy til it gets to the 100,000's (and possibly MUCH more - I never got to this point though...)
UPDATE: I called the doc and my count on 6/1 was 103.5. And she told me the numbers don't go down from drinking more water or anything :( Poop.

Basically, I would still show a positive if I took a pregnancy test which is kind of depressing. I wish I could start over and just see one line instead of the hopeful faded 2nd line. If I drink tons and tons of water does the hCG get out of my system faster?

I wish I could be at the point where I'm given the all clear to TTC again, even though I know I'm not 100% healed emotionally... I still can't decide how I feel about TTC when I'm still grieving a loss.

The bottom line is that my husband and I were meant to have kids. We just bought a house and we're moving in a little over a month. It has 4 damn bedrooms. That house is going to get filled up one way or another. I'm hopeful that our next pregnancy will result in the ever illusive "take home baby" but terrified at the same time that I'll go through the same pain that I feel over again...

It's just not fair