Fingernails

Yesterday I decided to paint my nails. And as I've done recently I've sort of chosen symbolic colors based on how I've felt or what I've been thinking. Yes, I know I'm so very deep. So today I reveal to you my first ever post of a manicure.

While you may be thinking "this can't possibly be her real hands," or "those hands look like that of a hand model!" I can certainly assure you that that is my left hand you're checking out there.

The "kids these days" seem to be doing a fun alternative look for fingernails. Anymore it's not the same color on each finger on both hands. What I've noticed, and what I've very much enjoyed, is the different colors on the ring finger, or my "bling-fing" as I like to call it.

Yesterday I did a "tape manicure" where I just put down tiny strips of scotch tape over an already painted/dried nail and shaped the letter "A" as a physical reminder of Adrian. It doesn't bring me any sadness to look at the letter on my nails or even to think about her right now. It's just nice to have a reminder.

Not that I could possibly forget.

Today was my follow up appointment following my D&C surgery. I have been deemed "healthy" and things appear to be getting back to normal. Unfortunately they're not doing a quantitative hCG test so I guess I'll just have to guess when my hCG count is back to 0 - probably by taking many pregnancy tests until I get a negative.

The doctor, who I would like to call Dr. Robot due to her warm and loving nature on the day of my surgery and the day I found out about the loss, said that I can wait 2-3 cycles and start to try again around then. She instructed me to listen to my body and if things feel normal then we can go ahead and start to try without having to come back into the office to get a green light from her.

Thank.God.

There are few things more depressing than being a woman who has recently experienced a miscarriage than hanging around in an OBGYN clinic waiting room where pregnant woman after pregnant woman comes in with her adorable kids as if it's a freaking parade. In fact, I think that they realize that the waiting room isn't a nurturing environment for me because they called me back early.

The best thing I can do for myself right now is to remind myself that I don't know the story of how that woman got pregnant. For all I know she was TTC for 5 years and just finally got pregnant via IVF. Or maybe she has also suffered a loss herself and she has gone on to have a healthy pregnancy. Or maybe the teenager in the waiting room with her mother playing on her smart phone WANTED to get pregnant before she graduated from HS. Yeah, it's hard to not be jealous of the healthy pregnancies, but being jealous doesn't make my pregnancy come back.

I'm still focusing on the bright path. Working out. Chocolate. Reading stories about miscarriages. Talking to a counselor. Joining Support Groups. Getting the f*** out of town for a break.

On a side note: I have really enjoyed reading blogs that I've found via message boards of other women telling their stories. If you've found my blog via The Bump or some other way, please comment! And share your own blog, especially if you're going through the same things as me right now. If you'd rather email me your info, you can: thateasley@gmail.com - I look forward to getting to know you all better!