Out and About (BFP)

I've had a pretty exciting few months... I haven't posted about it for fear of having something bad happen again... but I'm excited to post that I'm pregnant! I am even "out" on facebook about it! I had a pretty pathetic facebook announcement if you ask me. I could have got more creative but I didn't.

I had photos taken of Nolan in a "Big Brother" shirt:

The picture didn't quite illuminate the wording on the shirt though:

Yeah you can't really see it, but I liked the picture and the stinker look on his face. His hair is kind of long so it looks like he might have a mullet... but yeah, that's my facebook announcement.

Day I Found Out:

Believe it or not, there is a 2nd line there on this pee stick.

Being in the habit of just peeing on all the sticks, I had been testing starting about 3 days prior and got negatives, stark white test strips, and actually enjoyed 2 beers the night before getting this lil beaut.

I tested on the morning of Friday, May 15th. I seriously had nothing but good intentions after seeing this line. I was going to wait at least 12 hours and test again after work and really be sure that there was a 2nd line there before sharing with Brian. I examined this test with vigor, was it line eye? I mean, look at it... it could easily just be line eye.

Brian came upstairs and kissed me goodbye as he left for work. I heard him rustling downstairs as my heart was pounding. He was about to leave and I was the only witness to this extreme squinter. I took some glamour shots (like the one posted) so I could examine it throughout the day. As I heard the door open for Brian to go outside my mouth starting speaking and my brain was telling me to shut up. "Brian, can you come up here for a second?" I say... DAMMIT EASLEY, I foiled my well thought out plan of waiting until a darker line and having Nolan "tell him" by wearing the shirt above later today. Nope he's coming upstairs. Do I lie to him? Do I just tell him never mind.

No, I'm like "Ummmm I think I see a 2nd line here" and show him the stick. "Oh yeah, I think I see it too!"

HOLY SHIT. He sees it too. I'm not going nuts. That isn't line eye. Guys DON'T have line eye. I'm fairly certain it's a girl thing and only when you're really desperate to see a line will you actually see it. But no, he saw it in a matter of seconds. Hardly any straining.

Grinning I head off to work ready to post my image online to get scrutinized by other professional squinters.

The following days were nerve racking as I saw what appeared to be a lighter line the next day. Thinking I was experiencing a chemical pregnancy (see the 12 DPO stick compared to 11 DPO) really depressed me. I sent a message to my midwife and got a blood draw appointment for Monday.

Luckily, by Monday I was able to see a much more obvious, darker line. But I still went for the blood draw anyways. Blood draw was good, numbers doubled after 2 days as they should with a non chemical pregnancy. Relief ensues.

This time around has been much easier than when I was pregnant with Nolan. With him I didn't know if I could stay pregnant. I don't know, and will never know, what caused my miscarriage... And the real mindfuck of it all (just to remind you) was that I didn't find out until 11 weeks which is incredibly late to find out about a miscarriage. And the fact that I didn't have any symptoms of a miscarriage (ie bleeding) 3 weeks after the baby stopped growing means that I was going to be in limbo for weeks until I could hear the heartbeat on the doppler.

Of course that's not to say that this pregnancy has been without fear. I didn't tell people super early along time time. I did tell some people as early as 7 weeks... And earlier for my fam. I got an ultrasound around 8 weeks after having a scare earlier that morning but saw a beating heart within a couple of hours (thank you for getting me in so quickly midwife!!)

Fast forward to now.

I'm currently 14w3d and here we go:

Best Moments This Week: We went to Colorado. It was a difficult trip considering it was a short weekend and a long drive. But Nolan was a trooper. Nolan + iPad + Toy Story (1, 2, & 3) makes for a happy camper. He did have his moments though, nap time was few and far between so he got crabby too.

Total Weight Gain: Yeesh, I don't actually know. Probably at least a couple pounds although I had been feeling quite sick recently. I like to equate it with constantly feeling hungover but without the fun night of drinking before.

Maternity Clothes: Sometimes, I'm breaking out my old shirts now to increase my wardrobe. Now that I'm "out" at work, I don't mind if people see the ruched sides which clearly scream MATERNITY SHIRT. I also got a cute pair of maternity pants which I wore yesterday. I feel sorta stylish!

Symptoms: Yeah... big time sickness. Food aversions up the waz and vomming when I brush my teeth (enhanced gag reflex)

Sleep: Super tired, going to bed early a lot of the time if I can manage it.

Food Cravings: None really, I did want a brownie yesterday, but that was only after I saw it and was like "dammit, that looks good"

Anything making you queasy or sick: Yeah, everything.

Movement: Could be? Could also be too early.

Stretch Marks: No, and I'm a lucky SOB who didn't get them last pregnancy so cross your fingers!

Gender Prediction: I could go both ways here, sickness wise I'm feeling girl since I didn't feel sick with Nolan. I've had a dream where I've found out I've had both a boy and a girl.

Labor Signs: Nope

Belly Button In or Out?: In

Wedding Rings on or off?: On

Happy or Moody?: Yes

Purchases for baby: Only a Cyclone onesie I had to buy shortly after I got my BFP and felt comfortable enough celebrating.

Purchases for Momma: I bought some super cute maternity dresses from Pea in the Pod for my bro's wedding. They're SUPER formal and I'll definitely only wear them once... But it's my BROTHER'S WEDDING!

Miss Anything?: Yes, WINE AND BEER!

Looking forward to: Scheduling my anatomy scan so I can start counting down the days! Non-pregnancy related - TOTALLY looking forward to my bro's wedding!!!

Derpy Bump Pic:

Funny Memories

I can't remember if I wrote about this ever on my blog, but here goes.

One of my biggest fears for bringing Nolan to daycare when he was brand new... was that someone else would think that their baby was him and take him home.

I kind of chuckle at this right now... more for the reason that I thought a mother would accidentally pick up the wrong child and then I guess just raise him as her own? And never realize the difference.

For context, this was before Nolan was born and I thought all babies look alike, or at least similar enough because their features all smoosh together.

Now I laugh about this because I stared at my little Nolan for HOURS on end before sending him to daycare. I mean, sure he changed a lot in a short amount of time, but that's kind of a silly fear to have yes?

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In other news, Nolan had his 2 year doc appointment yesterday. He had a booster shot for Hepatitis A and needed a blood draw which was essentially a prick on his finger and the lady had to squeeze blood out until it filled a small vile. Poor lil guy. He took it like a champ though!

While we were waiting he found a stethoscope and played doctor. His finger over his mouth was occasionally "shhhh"ing me as if he had a secret. Maybe he knew he wasn't supposed to play with it... But it was harmless none the less.

Additionally, as he laid on the paper waiting for the doctor to come in I snapped this picture:

Which reminded me of his 4 month shot appointment:

Look how big he's gotten!

He's new 27 pounds 10 ounces, 34.5" tall, and a head circumference that's at the 90th percentile. Probably to hold his big brain.

That's enough for now, have a great weekend!

Nolan's 2nd Birthday Recap

I have a 2 year old! Ohmygosh!

I took a long weekend to be with him - I figured his bday was on Tuesday, I wasn't going to take him to daycare on his BIRTHDAY. And why in the world would I go to work on Monday then? Pfft. So yeah, I took a LONG weekend which made it perfect for... *drumroll please*

POTTY TRAINING!

Holy baloney. It was overall VERY successful. I followed my own version of an accelerated potty training method I saw online. Basically you take a long weekend (3 days) and just let the kid go pantless the entire time. Show him the potty, sit with him etc, and make a huge deal when they go! Brian and I clapped and danced and sang and cheered "you did it!" every time he went. Then we made a little ritual of pouring the stuff down the potty and Nolan got to help flush. Then we'd give him a sticker as a reward which after having a handful of stickers Nolan was kind of like "whatever" about the reward. To encourage him, then I started giving him 5 mini M&Ms. I don't like the idea of food as a reward, but I wanted to make a big deal of it. Especially when he went ON HIS OWN to *TMI ALERT* go #2.

So the next 3 months (yes, even with travel and friends/family coming over) the goal is to keep him pantless at home to make the potty more accessible. He wears shorts or pants at daycare but no diapers/undies underneath.

We basically spent the entire weekend in the kitchen for easier cleanup of accidents. I'd like to tell you that meant that we cleaned the kitchen and made yummy food, but it was rather exhausting constantly trying to get Nolan to sit on the potty when he wasn't feeling up to it because he got cranky/tired of being in the kitchen...

But by Monday/Tuesday he really had a hang of it. Yes, accidents still happen but we're powering through it. Accidents are just part of the deal.

This picture was taken the night before his birthday. As I got him ready for bed, he carefully gathered up his bears and toys (arms FULL mind you) and carefully placed them on the side of his crib so they'd watch over him

Tuesday was his birthday, so we really wanted to make the day special for him. Amy, Brandon, and Eben came to help celebrate. In the morning (before it got too hot) we went to the playground where Nolan ran up and down a small hill. I think he enjoyed the feeling of going faster on the way down because he got so excited. "I Nonan, I comiiiiiing!!!" he'd shriek. So cute.

We grilled for lunch and then it was naptime for "Nonan" and we played Settlers of Catan. Afterwards we went to Reiman Gardens.

Probably my favorite memory of the day was him blowing out the candle for his cake which I captured...

He blew out the candle himself. We told him "blow on it like you're blowing on food that's too hot" and he understood. I can't believe he was able to do it so easily! He loved the frosting!

CUTE STORY ALERT:
Brian taught Nolan that when they do high fives he should pump his fist inwards and go "AWESOME" I need to film the way he says this but he kind of says "Awesome" like he's growling. It's consistently in a deep voice even though none of us are trying to change our voices when saying it.

In other news, I'm tired. Check out Brian's blog for more pictures: Salty's Note-o-the-Day

Highs and Lows

Some happy updates and sad updates.

Start with the happy! We got our Nolan 2 Year Family Photos taken yesterday! We go through D&Orfs Photography in Ames, and she is a freaking MIRACLE worker. Nolan was a stinker and NOT a model yesterday. He wanted to run all over and not pose. But we got some fun shots. Here are some of my faves:

We're doing an "Inception" theme for our book covers, this might very well be the cover of the next baby book. If you look closely, you'll see we're looking at his first baby book in the cover of the book we are looking at :)

Awwwwww

At his 18 month photos, he couldn't get off of that thing!!

Example #1 of him not wanting to pose, he wanted me to hold him.

Yup, no need to look at the camera, MOM! I need down!

Yeah, he pretty much just runs away from us all the time... but this one is kinda cute. 

So seeing these photos really made me happy this morning.

Of course, with the highs come the lows... and I almost feel bad putting this in the same blog post... but we got photos of Lynn's headstone sent to us today. And to be honest, seeing the finality of the headstone really is upsetting. 

I've been struggling with her death even being real since it happened. It's like, as the daughter in law I'm not effected like one of her children might be... I still have my mom and I'm so thankful for that. (I'm not trying to rub it in, I'm sorry if that line is hurtful but I'm being honest). It's a struggle to really grasp this loss. 

For starters, it was all so sudden. She wasn't old by any real stretch of the imagination. She was in her 60's, yes, but we all easily could have assumed that she would live well into her 80's without any complications. My SIL said it best, "It's like 20 years with her were stolen from me." and that's exactly what it was. It was too sudden.

And of course, the manner in which she died was essentially voluntary. I know that she wasn't in her right mind when she pulled the trigger, but that doesn't mean that it should hurt any less. I get that depression is a terrible disease and I get that now she is at peace in a way. But I didn't even know she was struggling. I barely knew she was on antidepressants... she only started them a few weeks prior. How shitty is that? You get help, and the meds that are supposed to help actually CAUSE suicidal thoughts? 

Some happy memories... 

When Brian, Nolan and myself last saw her together we went to Hickory Park and Nolan was being a stinker which warranted a video of the dinner. I'll always hear her voice when I say "Yummy nummers" what is what she said to Nolan to try and get him to eat some more. 

She was so excited to meet Nolan... I'll always remember this. She and Eben booked travel to Alaska for a cruise and the dates were just before my due date. She almost canceled the trip because she wanted to be here for it. I remember trying to tell her that most likely I'll go late (which I did) and if they canceled their trip I would feel terrible for them missing out! They ended up back in Iowa when Nolan was born and they got to meet him when he was just a few days old. She was beaming with happiness when she met him. I second guessed those smiles after her death wondering if she was struggling in that moment to force a smile, but I definitely think that meeting Nolan gave her real joy and that it wasn't a struggle to smile with him. 

She came and stayed with us for a few days at a time, several times, over the summer after Nolan was born. And she was amazing. She helped me get some extra rest when I needed it, and played with Nolan, changed him, took care of things around the house...

The happy memories are why I miss her. 

RIP Lynn

No Nolan!

My mom and I just met in the parking lot of my work to move Nolan's carseat and give him a suitcase, a cooler, a stroller, a diaperbag, his blankie (or bank as he calls it), and all that other good stuff a little boy needs for a weekend with Grandma!!! She's going to keep our little guy for a whole 2 days and I'm not sure how I feel about that...

The tired part of me feels like this will be a good break to watch TV and go to bed early without having to read "If I Could Keep You Little" for the hundredth time.

The mom part of me misses my lil man.

He's been growing up so much lately. Saying more phrases, getting more expressive, drawing more etc.

What really has me melt in my heart is seeing him react to my emotions. Yesterday, I was driving home from work and heard the song "Fix You" by Coldplay for the first time in years and I just started bawling. It's such a good song and it means so many different things to me right now.

First, I was thinking of the pain of my miscarriage from over 3 years ago now (wow, has it REALLY been that long?) and second, was remembering the pain of losing my MIL to suicide just 2.5 months ago.



Just listening to the song and thinking of both losses had me bawling while I was giving him a bath yesterday. I had multiple tears falling from my eyes with every blink and Nolan just stopped playing and stood up and stared at me and wiped the tears off my face. I could really feel that he was being empathetic. It was probably weird for him to see his mama cry when he's the one that normally monopolizes sadness in the form of tantrums (I WANT TO BE HELD RIGHT NOWWWWWWWWWWW!)

So yeah, I'm going to miss that little man that hugs me with no intention of letting go. He's growing up so fast now and is definitely a good person with a good heart.

It kind of sucks that I started writing this blog with the intention of talking about missing my little guy and I remember the sad things. Granted, I think seeing him react to sadness is worth writing about but writing about what made me sad in the first place is still quite heartbreaking for me.

I miss Lynn. And now I'm quietly crying at my desk. And I don't have my little man to hug after work...

Happy Updates:
"Three seconds into the house and he found more trucks"

Evidence that Nolan was there:

"He says, 'Messy!'"

This is completely normal:

I just wish I could peek into his imagination for just a minute...

Playing at the playground

 Getting creative with the balls

 Go Cyclones!

"Nap time for N and gram"