Highs and Lows

Some happy updates and sad updates.

Start with the happy! We got our Nolan 2 Year Family Photos taken yesterday! We go through D&Orfs Photography in Ames, and she is a freaking MIRACLE worker. Nolan was a stinker and NOT a model yesterday. He wanted to run all over and not pose. But we got some fun shots. Here are some of my faves:

We're doing an "Inception" theme for our book covers, this might very well be the cover of the next baby book. If you look closely, you'll see we're looking at his first baby book in the cover of the book we are looking at :)

Awwwwww

At his 18 month photos, he couldn't get off of that thing!!

Example #1 of him not wanting to pose, he wanted me to hold him.

Yup, no need to look at the camera, MOM! I need down!

Yeah, he pretty much just runs away from us all the time... but this one is kinda cute. 

So seeing these photos really made me happy this morning.

Of course, with the highs come the lows... and I almost feel bad putting this in the same blog post... but we got photos of Lynn's headstone sent to us today. And to be honest, seeing the finality of the headstone really is upsetting. 

I've been struggling with her death even being real since it happened. It's like, as the daughter in law I'm not effected like one of her children might be... I still have my mom and I'm so thankful for that. (I'm not trying to rub it in, I'm sorry if that line is hurtful but I'm being honest). It's a struggle to really grasp this loss. 

For starters, it was all so sudden. She wasn't old by any real stretch of the imagination. She was in her 60's, yes, but we all easily could have assumed that she would live well into her 80's without any complications. My SIL said it best, "It's like 20 years with her were stolen from me." and that's exactly what it was. It was too sudden.

And of course, the manner in which she died was essentially voluntary. I know that she wasn't in her right mind when she pulled the trigger, but that doesn't mean that it should hurt any less. I get that depression is a terrible disease and I get that now she is at peace in a way. But I didn't even know she was struggling. I barely knew she was on antidepressants... she only started them a few weeks prior. How shitty is that? You get help, and the meds that are supposed to help actually CAUSE suicidal thoughts? 

Some happy memories... 

When Brian, Nolan and myself last saw her together we went to Hickory Park and Nolan was being a stinker which warranted a video of the dinner. I'll always hear her voice when I say "Yummy nummers" what is what she said to Nolan to try and get him to eat some more. 

She was so excited to meet Nolan... I'll always remember this. She and Eben booked travel to Alaska for a cruise and the dates were just before my due date. She almost canceled the trip because she wanted to be here for it. I remember trying to tell her that most likely I'll go late (which I did) and if they canceled their trip I would feel terrible for them missing out! They ended up back in Iowa when Nolan was born and they got to meet him when he was just a few days old. She was beaming with happiness when she met him. I second guessed those smiles after her death wondering if she was struggling in that moment to force a smile, but I definitely think that meeting Nolan gave her real joy and that it wasn't a struggle to smile with him. 

She came and stayed with us for a few days at a time, several times, over the summer after Nolan was born. And she was amazing. She helped me get some extra rest when I needed it, and played with Nolan, changed him, took care of things around the house...

The happy memories are why I miss her. 

RIP Lynn