No Nolan!

My mom and I just met in the parking lot of my work to move Nolan's carseat and give him a suitcase, a cooler, a stroller, a diaperbag, his blankie (or bank as he calls it), and all that other good stuff a little boy needs for a weekend with Grandma!!! She's going to keep our little guy for a whole 2 days and I'm not sure how I feel about that...

The tired part of me feels like this will be a good break to watch TV and go to bed early without having to read "If I Could Keep You Little" for the hundredth time.

The mom part of me misses my lil man.

He's been growing up so much lately. Saying more phrases, getting more expressive, drawing more etc.

What really has me melt in my heart is seeing him react to my emotions. Yesterday, I was driving home from work and heard the song "Fix You" by Coldplay for the first time in years and I just started bawling. It's such a good song and it means so many different things to me right now.

First, I was thinking of the pain of my miscarriage from over 3 years ago now (wow, has it REALLY been that long?) and second, was remembering the pain of losing my MIL to suicide just 2.5 months ago.



Just listening to the song and thinking of both losses had me bawling while I was giving him a bath yesterday. I had multiple tears falling from my eyes with every blink and Nolan just stopped playing and stood up and stared at me and wiped the tears off my face. I could really feel that he was being empathetic. It was probably weird for him to see his mama cry when he's the one that normally monopolizes sadness in the form of tantrums (I WANT TO BE HELD RIGHT NOWWWWWWWWWWW!)

So yeah, I'm going to miss that little man that hugs me with no intention of letting go. He's growing up so fast now and is definitely a good person with a good heart.

It kind of sucks that I started writing this blog with the intention of talking about missing my little guy and I remember the sad things. Granted, I think seeing him react to sadness is worth writing about but writing about what made me sad in the first place is still quite heartbreaking for me.

I miss Lynn. And now I'm quietly crying at my desk. And I don't have my little man to hug after work...

Happy Updates:
"Three seconds into the house and he found more trucks"

Evidence that Nolan was there:

"He says, 'Messy!'"

This is completely normal:

I just wish I could peek into his imagination for just a minute...

Playing at the playground

 Getting creative with the balls

 Go Cyclones!

"Nap time for N and gram"