Thursday, June 7, 2012
Fingernails
Yesterday I decided to paint my nails. And as I've done recently I've sort of chosen symbolic colors based on how I've felt or what I've been thinking. Yes, I know I'm so very deep. So today I reveal to you my first ever post of a manicure.
While you may be thinking "this can't possibly be her real hands," or "those hands look like that of a hand model!" I can certainly assure you that that is my left hand you're checking out there.
The "kids these days" seem to be doing a fun alternative look for fingernails. Anymore it's not the same color on each finger on both hands. What I've noticed, and what I've very much enjoyed, is the different colors on the ring finger, or my "bling-fing" as I like to call it.
Yesterday I did a "tape manicure" where I just put down tiny strips of scotch tape over an already painted/dried nail and shaped the letter "A" as a physical reminder of Adrian. It doesn't bring me any sadness to look at the letter on my nails or even to think about her right now. It's just nice to have a reminder.
Not that I could possibly forget.
Today was my follow up appointment following my D&C surgery. I have been deemed "healthy" and things appear to be getting back to normal. Unfortunately they're not doing a quantitative hCG test so I guess I'll just have to guess when my hCG count is back to 0 - probably by taking many pregnancy tests until I get a negative.
The doctor, who I would like to call Dr. Robot due to her warm and loving nature on the day of my surgery and the day I found out about the loss, said that I can wait 2-3 cycles and start to try again around then. She instructed me to listen to my body and if things feel normal then we can go ahead and start to try without having to come back into the office to get a green light from her.
Thank.God.
There are few things more depressing than being a woman who has recently experienced a miscarriage than hanging around in an OBGYN clinic waiting room where pregnant woman after pregnant woman comes in with her adorable kids as if it's a freaking parade. In fact, I think that they realize that the waiting room isn't a nurturing environment for me because they called me back early.
The best thing I can do for myself right now is to remind myself that I don't know the story of how that woman got pregnant. For all I know she was TTC for 5 years and just finally got pregnant via IVF. Or maybe she has also suffered a loss herself and she has gone on to have a healthy pregnancy. Or maybe the teenager in the waiting room with her mother playing on her smart phone WANTED to get pregnant before she graduated from HS. Yeah, it's hard to not be jealous of the healthy pregnancies, but being jealous doesn't make my pregnancy come back.
I'm still focusing on the bright path. Working out. Chocolate. Reading stories about miscarriages. Talking to a counselor. Joining Support Groups. Getting the f*** out of town for a break.
On a side note: I have really enjoyed reading blogs that I've found via message boards of other women telling their stories. If you've found my blog via The Bump or some other way, please comment! And share your own blog, especially if you're going through the same things as me right now. If you'd rather email me your info, you can: thateasley@gmail.com - I look forward to getting to know you all better!
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
2 Weeks Since D&C
...Anyone who's had a D&C know's what that means...
It's unbelievable how different I feel now than I did 2 weeks ago. My outlook is becoming brighter which is great considering how unbelievably negative I was feeling. I'm talking really DARK feelings. I never want to go through another loss like that again but I remember those 1st few days after finding out about our miscarriage thinking that it would be impossible to feel happy again.
Today I found myself joking with my coworkers about how they taped shut my favorite stall in the bathroom. You know, the one that doesn't automatically flush if you scratch your arm let alone when you make a reach for the toilet paper. Ughhhhh #1stworldproblems.
I've actually found myself really adapting to the automatic flusher at work. Since I just flood my body with water all day long I make frequent trips to the restroom (when I leave I feel 100% rested). At home I barely move a muscle in fear that the toilet is going to go off. Then I remember, "I'm safe here." And then I feel free to roam about my cabin.
One of the processes after a miscarriage is the reducing of the hCG in your body. For my family and friends who aren't obsessed with TTC, hCG is the hormone in your body that would give you a positive result on a pregnancy test. It's also a chemical injection given to people who want to lose weight, a'la the hCG diet. This is a real thing. And I have to believe it works because there isn't a pregnant woman I've met that didn't LOSE WEIGHT during her PREGNANCY. [I believe the diet is a whopping 500 calories a day and you have to go in 2x/week for injections].
Anywhoo - As of Friday I still had an hCG count of around 100 in my body. The doctor didn't realize who anal I am, nor did he realize that I absolutely wanted to know the exact number and he didn't share it with me. Grrrr. I wish I knew the exact number but I suppose knowing it's in the 100's is a really good sign. The hormone hCG doubles in count every 2 days early in pregnancy til it gets to the 100,000's (and possibly MUCH more - I never got to this point though...)
UPDATE: I called the doc and my count on 6/1 was 103.5. And she told me the numbers don't go down from drinking more water or anything :( Poop.
Basically, I would still show a positive if I took a pregnancy test which is kind of depressing. I wish I could start over and just see one line instead of the hopeful faded 2nd line. If I drink tons and tons of water does the hCG get out of my system faster?
I wish I could be at the point where I'm given the all clear to TTC again, even though I know I'm not 100% healed emotionally... I still can't decide how I feel about TTC when I'm still grieving a loss.
The bottom line is that my husband and I were meant to have kids. We just bought a house and we're moving in a little over a month. It has 4 damn bedrooms. That house is going to get filled up one way or another. I'm hopeful that our next pregnancy will result in the ever illusive "take home baby" but terrified at the same time that I'll go through the same pain that I feel over again...
Today I found myself joking with my coworkers about how they taped shut my favorite stall in the bathroom. You know, the one that doesn't automatically flush if you scratch your arm let alone when you make a reach for the toilet paper. Ughhhhh #1stworldproblems.
One of the processes after a miscarriage is the reducing of the hCG in your body. For my family and friends who aren't obsessed with TTC, hCG is the hormone in your body that would give you a positive result on a pregnancy test. It's also a chemical injection given to people who want to lose weight, a'la the hCG diet. This is a real thing. And I have to believe it works because there isn't a pregnant woman I've met that didn't LOSE WEIGHT during her PREGNANCY. [I believe the diet is a whopping 500 calories a day and you have to go in 2x/week for injections].
Anywhoo - As of Friday I still had an hCG count of around 100 in my body. The doctor didn't realize who anal I am, nor did he realize that I absolutely wanted to know the exact number and he didn't share it with me. Grrrr. I wish I knew the exact number but I suppose knowing it's in the 100's is a really good sign. The hormone hCG doubles in count every 2 days early in pregnancy til it gets to the 100,000's (and possibly MUCH more - I never got to this point though...)
UPDATE: I called the doc and my count on 6/1 was 103.5. And she told me the numbers don't go down from drinking more water or anything :( Poop.
Basically, I would still show a positive if I took a pregnancy test which is kind of depressing. I wish I could start over and just see one line instead of the hopeful faded 2nd line. If I drink tons and tons of water does the hCG get out of my system faster?
I wish I could be at the point where I'm given the all clear to TTC again, even though I know I'm not 100% healed emotionally... I still can't decide how I feel about TTC when I'm still grieving a loss.
The bottom line is that my husband and I were meant to have kids. We just bought a house and we're moving in a little over a month. It has 4 damn bedrooms. That house is going to get filled up one way or another. I'm hopeful that our next pregnancy will result in the ever illusive "take home baby" but terrified at the same time that I'll go through the same pain that I feel over again...
 |
| It's just not fair |
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
New Patterns
Yesterday was a strange day. It was 2 weeks since I found out about the miscarriage but I think I managed to make it through the entire day without crying. The day was still really hard on me but I tried to make the best of it. I put in a full day of work and got a lot accomplished (which in itself is an accomplishment). After work I went to get acupuncture and got my back/neck aligned with a chiropractor. Finally I finished the day with a Group Power class, which is basically a resistance training class. I was super easy on myself and didn't put on a whole lot of weights but I'm still feeling it this morning!
At the end of the day I filled up my bathtub, complete with Bath and Body Works aromatherapy bubble bath (I want to say spearmint?) Then I crawled into the bath and successfully read the first story of 20 in the book "About What Was Lost"
I assume all of the stories will be very relevant to me in this time... the first story was about a woman over 40 who miscarried, she trusted her boss with what happened and he ended up telling the entire office. I could totally relate. Although she didn't get into what happened with him I definitely enjoyed reading her story and how she and her husband got through the loss and went on to have a healthy baby just a few short months later.
I think this could be a good pattern for me... fill up the tub and have quiet reading time. Allow myself to cry if necessary but also just reading about other people and their experiences and gain perspective on my own. I know I have a lot to be thankful for even though this time of my life is, excuse the language, pure shit.
This Thursday I have my follow up appointment from my D&C. I hope to get the "you're all healed up" schpeel. Regardless, the standard wait time for "trying" again is about 3 months after a procedure like that. Although I'm not 100% sure why... my only guess is they want to make sure you're extra super healed by the time you're carrying a baby. Garsh - well that makes sense...
PSA: Whenever I do get pregnant again, watch out. I'm likely to be about 150% more crazy you've ever seen me. I literally mean CRAZY... Like Gary Busey in Black Sheep crazy.
At the end of the day I filled up my bathtub, complete with Bath and Body Works aromatherapy bubble bath (I want to say spearmint?) Then I crawled into the bath and successfully read the first story of 20 in the book "About What Was Lost"
I assume all of the stories will be very relevant to me in this time... the first story was about a woman over 40 who miscarried, she trusted her boss with what happened and he ended up telling the entire office. I could totally relate. Although she didn't get into what happened with him I definitely enjoyed reading her story and how she and her husband got through the loss and went on to have a healthy baby just a few short months later.
I think this could be a good pattern for me... fill up the tub and have quiet reading time. Allow myself to cry if necessary but also just reading about other people and their experiences and gain perspective on my own. I know I have a lot to be thankful for even though this time of my life is, excuse the language, pure shit.
This Thursday I have my follow up appointment from my D&C. I hope to get the "you're all healed up" schpeel. Regardless, the standard wait time for "trying" again is about 3 months after a procedure like that. Although I'm not 100% sure why... my only guess is they want to make sure you're extra super healed by the time you're carrying a baby. Garsh - well that makes sense...
PSA: Whenever I do get pregnant again, watch out. I'm likely to be about 150% more crazy you've ever seen me. I literally mean CRAZY... Like Gary Busey in Black Sheep crazy.
Monday, June 4, 2012
Two Weeks
It's been 2 weeks since we found out the news that our baby had no heartbeat. To say I've been on a rollercoaster of emotions since then would be a gross understatement. Even on my good days I still manage to cry... on my bad days - well that's definitely another story.
Up until this point I've found great comfort in going on miscarriage/loss message boards. Today, dealing with the loss is extremely difficult and it's hard to go on the boards to give support. I can't find the strength to go on the boards to offer my support. My heart is hurting and a piece of me is missing.
I wonder when this pain will cease, but at the same time having that pain is a reminder of what I had. Losing that pain would be like losing the memories. I'm sure there will be days when I don't cry... but it's hard not to right now.
This weekend I sat down and read cover to cover Heaven is for Real at the recommendation of a friend who also suffered from a loss. In the book there is a special moment where the boy tells the story of seeing the sister he never knew he had while in heaven... My skeptical heart wonders if heaven really is for real - there's a lot of terrible things that happen in this world. But I really hope that it is real and I hope that by some miracle I do get to go to heaven and see my little one some day.
As I read the book I started to cry at those parts... gosh I hope it is real.
On a completely random and possibly happy note: I've been watching a lot of SBTB lately - that's Saved by the Bell for you lay people. Reasoning? Well mostly because I know that on netflix I'm not going to be bothered by commercials depicting perfect families with adorable babies of course. And with the subject of sex never ever brought up, there's obviously no unplanned pregnancy episode of SBTB.
But what is with the continuity errors? Aside from any minor issues, but Zack and Lisa totally were dating in one episode and then no more mention of it! It almost destroyed Screech and Zack's friendship! All the sudden Zack was pining for Kelly again at prom - he even sabatoged her date with Matt to make him dump her on prom night! Yikes. That Zack Morris is really a douche.
This is my new favorite SBTB Final Season related website:
http://jumpedthesnark.com/2011/02/23/saved-by-the-bell-the-final-season/
Tried to pull a fast one #ifonlyIhadabloginthe90'sIwouldhavewrittenaboutthisthen
Up until this point I've found great comfort in going on miscarriage/loss message boards. Today, dealing with the loss is extremely difficult and it's hard to go on the boards to give support. I can't find the strength to go on the boards to offer my support. My heart is hurting and a piece of me is missing.
I wonder when this pain will cease, but at the same time having that pain is a reminder of what I had. Losing that pain would be like losing the memories. I'm sure there will be days when I don't cry... but it's hard not to right now.
This weekend I sat down and read cover to cover Heaven is for Real at the recommendation of a friend who also suffered from a loss. In the book there is a special moment where the boy tells the story of seeing the sister he never knew he had while in heaven... My skeptical heart wonders if heaven really is for real - there's a lot of terrible things that happen in this world. But I really hope that it is real and I hope that by some miracle I do get to go to heaven and see my little one some day.
As I read the book I started to cry at those parts... gosh I hope it is real.
On a completely random and possibly happy note: I've been watching a lot of SBTB lately - that's Saved by the Bell for you lay people. Reasoning? Well mostly because I know that on netflix I'm not going to be bothered by commercials depicting perfect families with adorable babies of course. And with the subject of sex never ever brought up, there's obviously no unplanned pregnancy episode of SBTB.
But what is with the continuity errors? Aside from any minor issues, but Zack and Lisa totally were dating in one episode and then no more mention of it! It almost destroyed Screech and Zack's friendship! All the sudden Zack was pining for Kelly again at prom - he even sabatoged her date with Matt to make him dump her on prom night! Yikes. That Zack Morris is really a douche.
This is my new favorite SBTB Final Season related website:
http://jumpedthesnark.com/2011/02/23/saved-by-the-bell-the-final-season/
Tried to pull a fast one #ifonlyIhadabloginthe90'sIwouldhavewrittenaboutthisthen
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