Me and my boys

This house has been sick lately. I had mastitis, Nolan pink eye (twice), all of us had the flu... Ugh. But today I'm feeling like my head is above water as far a health and responsibilities go.

Nolan has been home 3/5 "school days" the past few weeks making me paranoid that daycare is thinking we're keeping him home to hide abuse or something (I've been watching a lot of law and order svu). 

Right now I just feel pretty happy holding my boys all squeezed onto the same little recliner. These little butts are nice and tiny so we can all share the same chair, but they're going to grow up soon enough and be content in their own chair. It's one of those days where I'm thankful that we're all under one roof because one day they're going to go to college and/or move out and I won't have us all together anymore.

Before I finished typing that last sentence Nolan just climbed off my lap and started screaming that he wants yogurt...

Murphy's Law

All before noon today, just about everything that could go wrong did.

Regular MOTN  feeding for Max - he actually slept quite well with about 5-6 hours since his last feed he woke up around 3:30. As per usual, I don't go to sleep right away after feeding because by the time I'm in bed after a feeding my mind is awake so I am messing around on Reddit when I hear Nolan crying in the distance around 4:30 so I hop right up to help him. He was making moaning and groaning sounds... and he throws up. Not a great deal, mind you, especially compared to what happened the other night which was like that scene from the exorcist. But yeah.

So I try to get him back to sleep since the puking incident wasn't particularly noteworthy. Isn't that sad? Well, he's awake and ready to roll and in his usual demeanor (ie very cheerful boy with too much energy - poor mama!). He convinces me that it's time to go "houses" (that's what it sounds like when he says "downstairs") because he's "hungy". He's a fibber - he wasn't hungry. It was a rouse to get himself down one flight of stairs... one flight closer to the TV room where Paw Patrol is sitting on the DVR.

Well, we go downstairs and of course he doesn't eat anything which is fine. I hem and haw about whether or not he should go to daycare because I'm already feeling useless as a human, let alone as a mom! He didn't seem that sick after all.

Then the poopsplosions began.

I'm talking pure liquid brown disgusting stuff.

I took pictures but for the sake of your lunch I'm not going to post them. I took pictures because around 8:00, just 1.5 hours after Brian left for work, I called him and told him to come home right away and not to give me any grief about it (he didn't).

But basically the poop didn't absorb into his diaper but instead was everywhere and literally... just... poured out of his diaper when I finally cleaned off his body to lay him down to change him. The horror.

So I get Brian to come home and deal with the puking (oh yes, there was puke in between the poopsplosions) and all that jazz.

Guess who clogs the toilet? This girl. Y'welcome America. We plunge it clear. NBD. Move along with our lives until...

The basement is flooded. Whattheeverlivingf*ck?

I'm not going to go into details, but I had a strong concern that my actions resulted in this mess (which wasn't smelly at all! the liquid flooding was thankfully ONLY water).

Had to call Roto Rooter (is that a national thing or a local to Iowa company?). They came out and fixed it right away. $112 well spent.

I'm glossing over the fact that it was because of the toilet I eventually flushed that the basement flooded. By way of background, I'd hear that toilet being flushed and a loud splash in the basement when I was watching TV several times. So I know what I did was the complete cause of the splashing that was occurring in the basement now for several weeks... blugh.

But yeah. While the basement was flooding my mom was driving down from her house to help me out. I sent an SOS message out to her shortly after Nolan puked. So thankfully with Brian there and my mom OTW reinforcements were forthcoming.

By the time my mom gets here, I have Maxwell down for a nap IN HIS CRIB (where's my trophy?) and Nolan is doing *meh*, but way better than before.

Seriously my mom arrived around 10:00, Roto Rooter around 11:00, and by noon everything seemed in control.

My state was "floppy" - if that makes sense. I was (and still am) exhausted from a general lack of sleep and everything going on. I say floppy because I was on the recliner with no bone structure to speak of and limp on the chair while feeding Maxwell, so literally energy is being drained from my body.

I go back and forth on this, but by 12 everything was in control. I honestly felt bad that I had my mom drive an hour and a half to sit on the couch. She got to see the kiddos and she did DEFINITELY help but I felt bad still. "I wish you had some poop to clean up," I say jokingly. I'm sure she's glad everything was under control!

Adventures in motherhood.

Send coffee.

PS I'm wearing a bra since the Roto Rooter guy came out. This thing does not fit right and the girls are falling out. #notforpublicviewing

Getting The Hang Of Things

It's been an eventful month since I last posted! Eventful in the sense that I can't hardly believe the time has gone by that fast, but I can't really say I've done anything concrete. But here's an update:

Breastfeeding:
Breastfeeding has been going really well for "little little man" (ie Maxwell). We started off rocky though with... ummm... scabs. And now we're using the nipple shield which is a lifesaver for me. Yes, I would like to not need it but every time I try to go without it he compresses the nip so it looks like a football. Not comfortable. Nope.

I've been using "galactogogues" which I'm not sure if I'm spelling correctly, but basically it means that you eat stuff that helps with your milk production. This includes some supplements in pill form, a tea, and of course the lactation cookie. All in all it's definitely going really well and even after easing myself off the lactation cookie (they're tasty and I'd eat like 6 a day without even blinking) my supply still seems to be holding out well. And based on the chubbiness of the cheeks of Maxwell, I'd say we're doing pretty well.

I haven't told really anyone this, but in the beginning at the hospital we were supplementing with donor milk that they got from the Milk Bank of Iowa. The milk was pasteurized so that no communicable diseases would transfer to Maxwell and they say that it's good for his "gut" - whatever that really means. When we came home I think we had to supplement with about 2-4 ounces of formula a day because of the aforementioned scabs and me needing a break. When we started going back at breastfeeding it all actually came together.

Now I've got a really decent freezer stash. At this point I don't even know how many ounce I have in the freezer! I'm guessing 20-30 ounces easily. As a goal, I've been pumping 2-4 ounces extra a day and throwing it in the stash. I find that I can easily get 2 ounces at nighttime when Maxwell wakes up for his MOTN feeding and then I'm still pretty engorged.

It's... It's glorious!

Sleeping:
This is actually going pretty well as well! We don't have a schedule decided just yet, but I'm aiming to start putting him down for bed around 8:30 by feeding him and then in bed by 9:00ish with me in bed shortly thereafter. He'll then wake up around midnight or 2:00 in the morning. Napping during the day is a little more of a task, but I've found that I can take him for walks or car rides and that usually gets him sleepy. Now that the weather is FINALLY starting to be in the high 50's low 60's it is perfect for going outside for a walk so I've made it a goal to get out of the house for an hour a day while I go for a walk!

Other things:

• When Maxwell cries, it sometimes incorporates this adorably pathetic snort that is just so cute, but I also have to "fix" it right away.
• Maxwell hates the pacifier sometimes, and then is meh with it at other times. He's really only meh with it when it's after he's been fed. Otherwise he likes to use me as a pacifier.
• Just today he is starting to wear cloth diapers (like his big bro did!)
• His hair is really long! Easily an inch long that can stick up and be molded into a faux hawk. Everyone comments about how much hair he has! (no bald spot... yet!)
• Big Brother Nolan is doing SO well! Not really jealous at all! He does have some moments though where he wants to act like a baby mimicking Maxwell's squeaks.

That's about all I've got right now. Maybe I'll update more soon... or maybe it'll be another month! Who knows!?

Mischief Managed

It's hard to start this post. Mostly because it's hard to put what I'm about to say into words that will really convey my emotions through the experience of pregnancy loss to having 2 healthy babies at home.

First of all, I'm so incredibly thankful that I have Nolan and Maxwell. And even moreso, that they're both extremely healthy little boys! As a mother, that's about all you want is your children to be healthy and happy and I'm lucky that I know my little boys have a great start to their lives with great health and I hope that they're always happy with their lives.

For me, when I talk about "this experience" it bundles up the whole finding out I was pregnant in March of 2012 - and remembering the emotions that followed up with excitement in telling my family and a devastating crush having a late first trimester loss of that pregnancy. "This experience" also means TTCAL and being PGAL and the worry that surrounds both of those. And finally, "this experience" has led me to the birth of two healthy boys who are mine and I love with all my heart.

"This experience" really runs the gauntlet of emotions for me. I'm a person who holds on to sadness in what I think is a healthy manner where I'll recall emotional experiences and be able to shed a tear or two in thinking about them and it's cathartic in doing so. In the past (almost) 4 years I've gone from crying about every single day about my loss to getting back to my new normal as a person who's struggled with the pain of the loss of a child they never got to know beyond an ultrasound where there was actually a heartbeat at one point.

I think about that baby and what could have been.

I resolve myself to remembering that without that loss, I wouldn't have my Nolan or Maxwell that I have right now. It doesn't mean that I wouldn't have loved the everliving crap out of that baby, but because of that loss I have the family I have now. It's hard to really express why I'm sad about losing a baby when it means that I have the family I have today and I know with all my heart this is the family I was "meant" to have.

Nowadays, it's easier to talk about my loss in a public setting. I can usually get out the words, "I had a miscarriage," to relative strangers to help them understand myself and my struggles more - but sadly it's usually to identify with them as they relay their own personal struggles to me. I get out those words without a tear - sometimes.

Having had a miscarriage has shaped me into who I am today, I guess. It's a really shitty hand to be dealt and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone, but I'm thankful that I've been able to draw strength from within myself to try and help other people who come forward to me with their own struggles who know about mine.

Talking with people who are going through a loss currently almost serves as a window to the past for me. I recall how something innocent, like bringing a baby into the workplace, can be so hurtful for someone who's lost their child.

But here I am, on the other side of "this experience." When I lost my first pregnancy I remember wishing I could see into the future and know when I was going to have my baby(ies) so I could know that my story ends happily. It's such a relief to be able to say that I do have a happy ending and now I feel like our family is pretty darn complete.

To all the people I've "met" along the way, I hope that your story ends happily like mine. Many, many hugs to those that are still struggling to start/complete their family.

Maxwell Christian Salton

Maxwell Christian Salton is finally here! Well, he has been now for over a week but as you can imagine it's pretty hard to get a minute to start typing at a computer before someone needs you!

He was born on February 1st at 9:22pm and a whopping 8 pounds 11 ounces! He has a ton of hair and dark blue eyes (for the moment) and I can only describe him as "absolutely perfect"!

The Birth Story:
Well, needless to say, Maxwell took his sweet time in getting here and I was very anxious. Since his due date was actually January 25th, I was not mentally prepared to have a February birthday baby especially since his big bro was born "only" 4 days late.

Long story short, I kept wondering if I was in labor... what was this... what was that... kind of questions. I had a few scares which seem ridiculous now. He's moving TOO MUCH, must mean fetal distress, right? - let's go to the hospital at 11pm on a Saturday and get an NST. Thankfully the nurses and midwives all seemed to understand my worries and din't make me feel stupid for coming in. "We'd rather you come in and it be nothing than you not to come in and it be something," they said. So I usually left the hospital frustrated but thankful that everything was going well.

The day Maxwell was born, I had a midwife appointment that morning. They did the usual checks and things weren't really progressing. I was frustrated by this, and as a catalyst for my fear there of course was a "snowmaggedon" predicted to arrive on 2/2/16 (the day after this appointment) and I was nervous that I was going to go into labor and have 13" of snow to drive through across town to get to the hospital. Cue fears of delivering in my living room with NO EPIDURAL. I'm not sure which is worse, having to clean that mess up by myself or having to go through the pain!

So I conveyed this fear to the midwife and she asks me how I feel about an induction. To be honest, I wasn't too fond of the idea but she made me comfortable with it and I was just ready to have our little man so we talked about the risks (increased chances of a c-section after laboring was my biggie) and what exactly the process would involve. At this point I jumped at the chance and told Brian to pack up my last minute things (toothbrush and iPad = necessities) and come to the hospital!

Brian hadn't left for work yet thankfully! He normally works later on Monday mornings but I caught him before he was scheduled to go in that day. He was able to collect all the things I requested and met me at the hospital where I was already checked in and getting poked and prodded.

Pitocin... check... Saline drip... check... Penicillin... check 

I had to be connected to the tubes pretty much the entire time which was a pain in the ass. The penicillin was because I was Group B Strep positive so they gave me antibiotics every 4 hours, pitocin obviously is the induction medicine, and the saline drip is just to make me get up and pee every 4 minutes apparently.

So yeah, connected to tubes and monitors wasn't really pleasant. Especially when I had to go to the bathroom and we had to disconnect the monitors and drip stuff so I could walk to the bathroom.

Another part of the induction was breaking my waters. Early on when they checked me they said that the baby was "bouncy" which I guess isn't a good thing to break waters at that point because the umbilical cord can be delivered first and wrap around baby's neck. So we waited to break waters until maybe an hour or two later. When they finally did break the water they did notice a bit of meconium in the water (fancy word for baby poop... yuck!). Way to make an after loss mom fuh-reak right out! Midwives (Donna and Autumn - Autumn was a student so I got to have 2 of em... which sometimes meant twice the checks... but I'm ok with helping people learn so it wasn't a big deal) reassured me that a little meconium is normal and not to worry.

Fine.

Well, after breaking my water the contractions ramped up. I'm not sure if it's because they increased my pitocin at the time or if the waters just accelerated the contractions. Either way this was starting to get painful. To describe the contractions on pitocin vs with Nolan (no pitocin) it was more like there was broken glass in the ute that started getting stabby all at once. With Nolan I remember it being a warm sensation that was painful but it like started small and grew inside me during the contraction. Pitocin was definitely a harsher feeling.

The nurse at one point said, "when is a good time to talk about an epidural?" I said, "it's always a good time to talk about an epidural!"

Like I said, with pitocin they're a little more keen to know your pain management plans. Before they started the pitocin they wanted to know my plans for an epidural and I think if I said I wanted to go without one they would have at least wanted to know if I would consider it.

But yeah, I wish I was on an epidural right now.

Luckily for me, I got my same anesthesiologist (I SPELLED THAT RIGHT WITHOUT THE RED SQUIGGLE LINE THE FIRST TIME #iamsosmart) that I had with Nolan and I could sing his praises from how great the epidural worked for me last time. This time I think they bumped up the medication because my lower half was really numb. I think this worked to my advantage because the pain was completely gone and the numbness lasted well after having Maxwell which helped with the "repairs."

Having an epidural did give me the shakes though, to the point where I felt like I was having a seizure. It was like my entire body was freezing, my teeth were chattering, body was shaking the earth was quaking etc. So they moved me to my side where somehow the shakes subsided.

Back up... at some point they checked me for dilation and I was at 5 cms... then like an hour or two later I was still at 5 cms and I was a little beside myself wondering if I was going to have to have a c-section because I wasn't progressing. Then finally around 7 or so I started feeling that feeling you get when you need to push (poop, it's like when you need to poop). The midwives said since I was on my side and comfortable for the time being they didn't want to check me right then. Then about an hour or so later they came in and the student midwife goes "ohhhhhhhhhhhh yeah" which the teacher midwife goes, "when the midwife said 'ohhhh yeah' you know that's a good sign". Apparently at this point they couldn't even feel ye olde cervix and Maxwell was basically ready to debut.

Within minutes the room was filled with blue gowned individuals (2 midwives from earlier, 2 nurses, and a NICU nurse). They had me start pushing around 8:50pm or so and at 9:22 our little Maxwell was here!!! Good on you, Maxwell, for such a short turnaround time in the pushing dept.

Side note: I did request a mirror while pushing. I actually recommend this, because while the site itself isn't really pretty it wasn't something I wish I never saw. I didn't get to see him fully coming out with the mirror as the midwives needed to be where the mirror stood but it was really cool to be able to have that visual. If you're on the fence about it, I definitely recommend it!

After having our little little man I held him skin to skin for probably about an hour before Brian got to hold him. Initially, he wasn't crying which was kind of frightening for me but the nurses quickly reassured me he was fine. Within a minute or so he did start crying and I knew those lungs were working! Brian cut the cord and they did all the necessary cleanup for Maxwell on my chest. We didn't actually weigh him until much later... maybe even not until around midnight.

We survived the "snowmaggedon" which ended up being like 5" of heavy snow by being held up in the hospital while my mom took care of Nolan.

We're all so happy to have Maxwell in our lives!