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Thursday, September 13, 2012
Light
Trying to lighten up this blog a little bit... How old am I to not only "remember them" but to still absolutely love them!
On another note, almost everyone that's registered as a volunteer (college aged kids) for an upcoming conference was born in 1991 or later. Chew on that for a minute.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Every Day I Do
Sadly, this is another post loss post.
Unfortunately there isn't a whole lot going on in my life that warrants a significant blog post. Sure I have fun with my friends - an AMAZING time this weekend actually... but it really got me thinking that I want to be more OUT about this loss and maybe one day be able to stop wanting to CRY every single time I'm reminded of it.
Problem: People don't know how to talk to me about the loss.
I 100% understand that you don't want to ask me about my loss because you're afraid that by bringing it up you're going to make me cry. I'll admit that I probably will at the very least tear up, but it's not because you're bringing it up, it's because you've released the feeling of being a prisoner in this pain. I don't mean to make that sound so dramatic but that's a legit feeling. When you're grieving a loss that no one else can see or touch, unlike the loss of a grandparent/parent/sibling/friend passing away, it's not acceptable to be outwardly emotional, probably because other people can't relate to the loss in their own way. Fortunately, not many people really relate to my loss. I'm honestly thankful for that fact, but at the same time it doesn't mean that I don't want to grieve openly about it.
Keeping my emotions inside inevitably leads to what can only be called "ugly crying" and the most inappropriate moment. Why? Because I'm triggered into remembering my own loss.
I'm not saying that you shouldn't celebrate life and all it has to offer but there are definitely some topics that I wish people would just understand are triggers for me (some friends of mine learned this lesson first hand this weekend)
Unfortunately there isn't a whole lot going on in my life that warrants a significant blog post. Sure I have fun with my friends - an AMAZING time this weekend actually... but it really got me thinking that I want to be more OUT about this loss and maybe one day be able to stop wanting to CRY every single time I'm reminded of it.
Problem: People don't know how to talk to me about the loss.
I 100% understand that you don't want to ask me about my loss because you're afraid that by bringing it up you're going to make me cry. I'll admit that I probably will at the very least tear up, but it's not because you're bringing it up, it's because you've released the feeling of being a prisoner in this pain. I don't mean to make that sound so dramatic but that's a legit feeling. When you're grieving a loss that no one else can see or touch, unlike the loss of a grandparent/parent/sibling/friend passing away, it's not acceptable to be outwardly emotional, probably because other people can't relate to the loss in their own way. Fortunately, not many people really relate to my loss. I'm honestly thankful for that fact, but at the same time it doesn't mean that I don't want to grieve openly about it.
Keeping my emotions inside inevitably leads to what can only be called "ugly crying" and the most inappropriate moment. Why? Because I'm triggered into remembering my own loss.
I'm not saying that you shouldn't celebrate life and all it has to offer but there are definitely some topics that I wish people would just understand are triggers for me (some friends of mine learned this lesson first hand this weekend)
- Talking about an unplanned pregnancy and joking about the circumstance... it's not funny to me, I only see this as unfair.
- Talking about newly pregnant friends/family.
- Seeing pregnant women, especially those that would be about as far along as I should be.
Whether or not I like to admit it. I'm super fucking jealous of people that are getting pregnant anymore. Especially those that have never experienced a loss for some reason... For some reason if you've had a loss it makes you more of a "role model" for me and something that I can look forward to... but if you haven't experienced a loss (that I know of) and you announced your pregnancy recently on facebook, I HAVE BLOCKED YOU FROM MY FEED. If you've just had a baby recently, I HAVE BLOCKED YOU FROM MY FEED. If you're friends/family of those that have just had a baby and I see you in a lot of pictures with them, I HAVE BLOCKED YOU FROM MY FEED.
Yes, it's dirty and sad in a way that I am not keeping up on the lives of those that have had babies. Some may call it selfish or whatever. But in all honesty, I don't care. I don't give a shit to see your facebook profile picture if it's your baby instead of YOU. I know your baby is what's going on in your life but for me, seeing babies is TORTURE. It's a mixed bag of longing and anger... which inevitably leads me to think that it's not fair that you had a healthy baby and mine isn't here anymore. I should be 6 months pregnant TODAY.
Instead I'm battling every day with taking my temperature every morning, peeing on thousands of sticks to see if I'm ovulating, testing my saliva for ferning patterns, and doing far more than I can to really admit on a blog that people I know can actually read, and desperately hoping for a positive pregnancy test during the dreaded 2 week wait. I've stopped drinking caffeine at work, I drink pomegranate juice and eat the core of pineapples because these are things they say somehow increase fertility.
I hope that I get pregnant and soon. I can't take much more of the pain of wanting a baby and seeing everyone else around me getting pregnant so easily.
Status: TTCAL and hating it.
Friday, August 24, 2012
I don't know how to read.
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| Trying to avoid a zombie! |
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| Stealing my last flag, therefore zombie-fying me |
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| Zombie in the background, and so is S! |
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| Through what probably would have been a river, twere it not so dry! |
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| I'm way photogenic! |
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| Starting off the race with all three flags in one spot. Seemed like a good idea at the time. Oh this was probably moments after I fell on my face just out the gate. |
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Three Months Later
Normally I reserve some of these downer posts to my TTC blog but I kind of feel like this one is worth posting on here. I know you all care about me and wish me the best so I figured an update is in order.
I'm so bummed out today that I am now 3 months past my D&C. Remembering that day makes me feel hollow. I wish I could forget but not a single day goes by that I don't think about my loss.
One of the positive things that happens when time passes, is that it gets easier to talk about. I can "casually" mention what happened in a way that I can tell still makes others feel uncomfortable and for that I am sorry. But it helps to talk about it instead of forget it.
I've been throwing myself into new activities including joining a fall indoor volleyball league and taking a pottery class. I look forward to big events where my friends and I are going to get together and of course I look forward to tailgating!
In other news, I'm really excited about opening "Hotel Salton" officially for business! The house isn't finished by any means, in fact we have 2 very empty rooms on the MAIN FLOOR! But we would love to have you and your friends come stay with us if you're needing a place to crash in Ames! Just please remember to puke in the toilet. HEHE
I'm so bummed out today that I am now 3 months past my D&C. Remembering that day makes me feel hollow. I wish I could forget but not a single day goes by that I don't think about my loss.
One of the positive things that happens when time passes, is that it gets easier to talk about. I can "casually" mention what happened in a way that I can tell still makes others feel uncomfortable and for that I am sorry. But it helps to talk about it instead of forget it.
I've been throwing myself into new activities including joining a fall indoor volleyball league and taking a pottery class. I look forward to big events where my friends and I are going to get together and of course I look forward to tailgating!
In other news, I'm really excited about opening "Hotel Salton" officially for business! The house isn't finished by any means, in fact we have 2 very empty rooms on the MAIN FLOOR! But we would love to have you and your friends come stay with us if you're needing a place to crash in Ames! Just please remember to puke in the toilet. HEHE
Thursday, August 9, 2012
I'm Still Here!
I met someone online *gasp* *jaw dropped* *otherthingsinasterisks*
Now before you get your panties in a twist there is a good story behind it and luckily it updates all of you a little on this post loss journey of mine. If you're interested in knowing more and aren't afraid to read the words cervix and mucous in the same sentence, send me an email I'll be happy to invite you into my crazy messed up life post loss.
Shortly after my loss in May, I posted an extremely gut wrenching post. The point behind the post was two-fold:
You see, among the hundreds of views that I had for that blog was a special response in the comments section. She and I realized that not only did the same thing happen to each of us, but it was practically down to the week. She found out about her pregnancy, heard heartbeats, was diagnosed with a missed miscarriage and underwent a D&C about a week before those same events happened for me.
One of the most "comforting" things about our friendship is that we are both seated on the front seat of the same emotional roller coaster. We follow very similar emotional patterns and understand when the other needs to be talked off the ledge, so to speak. So when I say something that may come off as "off color" to anyone else regarding pregnancy (gasp) she understands how I'm feeling and why I feel the need to say it.
This relationship quickly escalated from commenting on one another's blog to texting, emailing, video chatting etc. Finally it got to the point where we needed to meet each other in person!
SOMEHOW I was talked into going to NYC/NJ this previous weekend. Yeah right, I should clarify, having her come to IOWA wasn't even in the cards. I went to Jersey Shore, bitch.
The flight to LaGuardia was very nerve racking for some reason. I had joked with people that maybe this girl trolled the loss boards to try to lure someone into her home to steal my kidney or human centipede me. Although I was pretty confident that wasn't the case.
Anyways, I ordered my very first in flight beverage. A rum and coke. The flight attendant asked if I wanted it a single or double... without hesitation I said DOUBLE. I drank my drinks while flying over NYC and listening to Empire State of Mind on repeat. While flying over I actually saw a fireworks display just welcoming me to the east coast.
We landed. Got out of the plane... I walked to baggage claim... and although there was a bit of a hiccup to our initial meeting due to in the terminal posted incorrectly online - Kate found me and it was just instantly awesome. Epic hugging ensued and we drove to her place in NJ. We talked like we were best friends our whole lives and it wasn't just about loss related stuff... it was just anything and everything in general. You couldn't shut us up.
The weekend flew by way too fast. And I'm sorry to say that there aren't enough pictures to commemorate the weekend. My camera battery was DOA in NYC... But here goes:
Thursday night: Stayed in New Jersey
Friday: Went to Seaside Heights - where her husband's family have a HOUSE just blocks away from all the Jersey Shore action (fangirl over here, hello!)
Now before you get your panties in a twist there is a good story behind it and luckily it updates all of you a little on this post loss journey of mine. If you're interested in knowing more and aren't afraid to read the words cervix and mucous in the same sentence, send me an email I'll be happy to invite you into my crazy messed up life post loss.
Shortly after my loss in May, I posted an extremely gut wrenching post. The point behind the post was two-fold:
- For me to remember Adrian, as well as the emotions that went along with the loss. Those emotions were about as real as my pregnancy ever came to be since she only developed a little over 8 weeks.
- For everyone else to know the details of the loss without me ever having to say those words out loud ever. The pain of reliving the event STILL haunts me to this very day. But knowing that you all are a little more familiar with my story and how I am feeling... well it helps.
You see, among the hundreds of views that I had for that blog was a special response in the comments section. She and I realized that not only did the same thing happen to each of us, but it was practically down to the week. She found out about her pregnancy, heard heartbeats, was diagnosed with a missed miscarriage and underwent a D&C about a week before those same events happened for me.
One of the most "comforting" things about our friendship is that we are both seated on the front seat of the same emotional roller coaster. We follow very similar emotional patterns and understand when the other needs to be talked off the ledge, so to speak. So when I say something that may come off as "off color" to anyone else regarding pregnancy (gasp) she understands how I'm feeling and why I feel the need to say it.
This relationship quickly escalated from commenting on one another's blog to texting, emailing, video chatting etc. Finally it got to the point where we needed to meet each other in person!
SOMEHOW I was talked into going to NYC/NJ this previous weekend. Yeah right, I should clarify, having her come to IOWA wasn't even in the cards. I went to Jersey Shore, bitch.
The flight to LaGuardia was very nerve racking for some reason. I had joked with people that maybe this girl trolled the loss boards to try to lure someone into her home to steal my kidney or human centipede me. Although I was pretty confident that wasn't the case.
Anyways, I ordered my very first in flight beverage. A rum and coke. The flight attendant asked if I wanted it a single or double... without hesitation I said DOUBLE. I drank my drinks while flying over NYC and listening to Empire State of Mind on repeat. While flying over I actually saw a fireworks display just welcoming me to the east coast.
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| Deliciouso |
We landed. Got out of the plane... I walked to baggage claim... and although there was a bit of a hiccup to our initial meeting due to in the terminal posted incorrectly online - Kate found me and it was just instantly awesome. Epic hugging ensued and we drove to her place in NJ. We talked like we were best friends our whole lives and it wasn't just about loss related stuff... it was just anything and everything in general. You couldn't shut us up.
The weekend flew by way too fast. And I'm sorry to say that there aren't enough pictures to commemorate the weekend. My camera battery was DOA in NYC... But here goes:
Thursday night: Stayed in New Jersey
Friday: Went to Seaside Heights - where her husband's family have a HOUSE just blocks away from all the Jersey Shore action (fangirl over here, hello!)
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| Yup, it's THEEEE Chair! |
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| Where Snookers got punched |
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| I can't even imagine the meatball problems that caused the mirror jam in the bathroom at the shore to necessitate this sign. |
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| There's Danny!!! I'm sooo slick :) |
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| Panties 4 sell |
Saturday: Saw the sites of NYC: Brooklyn Bridge, Times Square, WTC, and stayed at a place in the upper west side!!!
Sunday: Had breakfast at central park and drove back to NJ to get ready for my flight home.
If you can't read in between the lines there - we had a few drinks too! Mmmmmm
The real highlight of the weekend wasn't just seeing the sites, although that was really fun, it was making what is without a doubt a lifelong friendship with someone who I would haven't ever met otherwise. I hate to even allow a silver lining to be presented during such a tragedy, but i suppose if I had to go through a miscarriage and if she had to as well - at least we were able to go through it all together.
Each day is a struggle, and there are MANY days still where I'm crying, upset, or just missing the fact that I should be 23 weeks pregnant, know the "true" sex of our baby, and sporting a cute baby bump right about now. But without even prepping her - I can go into what happened during the day and how it made me feel. She anticipates my struggles and helps me cope when I'm having rough days and I hope she thinks that I do the same for her.
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| Some classy Shore Store merch. |
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| You pay to get on the beach. $5 worth it! SOFT SAND and the water felt amazing! |
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| The shore |
Saturday: Saw the sites of NYC: Brooklyn Bridge, Times Square, WTC, and stayed at a place in the upper west side!!!
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| Times Square! A wee bit touristy don'tcah think? |
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| Ummm NEWSIES on BROADWAY! How soon can I come back? |
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| Gray's Papaya - Nope, it's not a farmers market folks, you get straight up hot dogs here! NOMNOMNOM |
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| A little stroll on the brooklyn bridge. NOT spacious like in the movies. |
Sunday: Had breakfast at central park and drove back to NJ to get ready for my flight home.
If you can't read in between the lines there - we had a few drinks too! Mmmmmm
The real highlight of the weekend wasn't just seeing the sites, although that was really fun, it was making what is without a doubt a lifelong friendship with someone who I would haven't ever met otherwise. I hate to even allow a silver lining to be presented during such a tragedy, but i suppose if I had to go through a miscarriage and if she had to as well - at least we were able to go through it all together.
Each day is a struggle, and there are MANY days still where I'm crying, upset, or just missing the fact that I should be 23 weeks pregnant, know the "true" sex of our baby, and sporting a cute baby bump right about now. But without even prepping her - I can go into what happened during the day and how it made me feel. She anticipates my struggles and helps me cope when I'm having rough days and I hope she thinks that I do the same for her.
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| Thanks for being awesome! |
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