Some things to look forward to

As part of my healing process - the husband and I have decided we need to have something to look forward to. So on a whim, soon after finding out about the miscarriage, we agreed it would be fun to take a trip up to Minnesota to see a baseball game and go shopping (so something for each of us!) We're going to stay in a nice hotel for the night and probably check out some fun restaurants! We are both really looking forward to trying a genuine "Jucy (sic) Lucy" from Matt's (as seen on Man v. Food). We are both convinced that the 5-8 Club (a rival restaurant who claims to have invented the Juicy Lucy) are a bunch of frauds and we want the original!

I am looking forward to getting away and doing something fun!

But I decided I needed something sooner than that. HAH! I just called a spa and set myself up for a real facial and massage gosh darnit! None of that PCI/student workers and having to have someone come up and check with me that they did a good job! So that'll be my Saturday morning... And I've never done this before, but I had this convo on the phone:

Me: I don't want to sound snotty, but I'm coming in because I'm having a very difficult week and I'd prefer if we don't talk during our services.
Salon: Oh that's totally fine, they usually think that clients get more out of the service when there isn't any discussion.
Me: Thanks! Just make sure you put a note in there there I don't want to talk about ANYTHING.

Know Your Audience

This is a prime example of when someone should freaking LOOK AROUND before you start talking. This is an actual quote that I just witnessed right in front of my desk. Yes, this quote was directed at anyone in the general vacinity and she and I definitely locked eyes at some point during her little pity party.

Keep in mind I know this coworker knows about what happened to me - not because I told her but because my boss AGAINST MY WISHES told 2 people in my office and she was one of them.

Coworker: Oh, I just got saddest email [this part was repeated at least 2x]... I had to give up one of my puppies and her new mommy just sent me pictures of her.

Yeah - that's super sad. I can totally feel your grief you self centered bitch. Thanks for sharing your not-even-close-to-sad news with someone who is 1 week and 1 day fresh from having a miscarriage. I'm so sorry that your puppy has been given to a loving family who wants to make sure you feel included in the puppy's life. That must be so hard on you since it was your decision to give up the dog and all. Things must be really tough for you right now, why don't you just go home and take a nap?

Know.Your.Audience.

Hmmm...

I have an idea for a new business. Basically - I go to goodwill and buy alllllllll of their glass pieces. Take them to my "store" which essentially is just shelves upon shelves of breakables, and about 10-20 feet from the breakables is a brick wall.

You take whichever glass piece you think would be the most satifying to smash and you throw it against the wall. You do this over and over again until somehow you feel "better" and you go home and then cry into your pillow while someone else cleans up after your mess.

That's totally healthy for me to want this place to be real, right?

Thankful

Even in trying times like what me and my husband have been through over this last week, I can't help but feel thankful for a few things...

• A husband that cares for me, never made me feel at fault for the miscarriage, and who was able to take time off of work to mourn the loss of our pregnancy with me.
• The fact that I had a relatively uninvasive procedure after finding out I miscarried - I never got cut open or needed stiches. I am healing with relatively no pain.
• Knowing that my husband and I CAN get pregnant and that we don't have issues of infertility to battle.
• The sad fact of the matter is that there was probably something chromosomally wrong with our child. While this isn't happy to accept, it does make sense that she was sent to heaven instead of living with a life of pain.
• Having the miscarriage earlier in pregnancy vs. a still birth later on. I can only imagine the pain that those women feel... One one message board I saw someone was 36 weeks along in her pregnancy when they found out they lost their baby. I pray that this never happens to me or anyone else, but the sad fact is that it does happen.
• While I would never wish this experience upon anyone, I am extremely grateful that I am not alone here. I find the support from message boards, friends that came out of the woodwork to share their experiences, my family and friends that haven't experienced this type of loss - they were all very supportive and made me feel very loved during this time.

Something that has been very hard for me has been facing some sadness while looking at other's happiness. I know it sounds so selfish to think this but I do. It's been very difficult for me to even log onto facebook for fear of seeing baby pictures, ultrasounds, pregnancy announcements etc. So if you're trying to get a hold of me, try email or texting - I'm boycotting facebook for a while until I can start to feel happy for everyone else's happiness. This is not meant to make anyone feel they need to stifle their happiness, by all means. Just know that for me during this time - it's been very difficult to see certain things.

Today was a very good day. To get my mind off of things I went to DSM and spend the day with friends grilling, playing volleyball, chatting, and catching some sunblock protected rays. I came home covered in sand because I bit the dust quite a few times in stretching for the volleyball on the hot as lava sand. Today was also the week anniversary of me finding out about our loss. While it makes the day hard to swallow, it was great spending it with friends instead of at home moping about my life.

What happened did suck, but I have so much to be thankful for.

Unfair

This morning I woke up and my heart instantly felt sad and not complete. I got up and ate breakfast and cautiously turned on the TV. I only have a few channels that I like to watch and up until this week I never had a problem with any of the regularly scheduled programming. Now I'm afraid to turn on MTV - I don't watch MTV that often but on mother's day weekend there was a marathon of 16 and Pregnant which I gladly watched.

Now I'm scared to even turn on the TV and not be able to control what I see, like what commercials come on... will there be a diaper commercial? Or some kid's toy commercial? Will I flip through the channels and see some 16 year old girl who is like 8 months pregnant with a douche bag boyfriend and unsupportive family about ready to give birth to her first child which she knows she's not ready for but plans to keep anyways?

I know I shouldn't judge other people or even let circumstances of the lives of other people effect me so much, but I have to say it hurts incredibly to see some girls who are on a TV show that is made for the purposes of showing off a pregnancy that was unintended and perhaps unwelcome.

In my circumstances, getting pregnant was planned and was very welcome. Although I have to admit after seeing the first positive test result I was in such shock that it happened for us so quickly that I quickly felt so unprepared. My husband and I went out and bought a house within weeks of getting the positive pregnancy test because I didn't think our apartment was an appropriate place to bring our child home for the first time.

Now that we're not having this baby but still moving into a big house which will have 3 empty bedrooms... one of which I was excited about turning into a nursery... well it's just not as exciting anymore. While I'm definitely excited that we're buying a house and excited that one day we will fill it up with our kids it just hurts because now we're going to have guest rooms instead of baby rooms.

I went to work yesterday for the first time all week. I also planned on only staying for a half day to sort of ease my way into the work world again. It wasn't too bad. I actually woke up and thought "I'm excited to go into work today." Who thinks that? Well anyways, I kind of did my hair and did most of my makeup (minus any eyeliner or mascara for obvious reasons) and went to work. I felt strong for the most part, I got work done that needed to be done and send out some newsletter articles to be reviewed by the department chair and even the person I was writing about. Maybe not my best work but I was focused on work rather than my self pity.

About 11:40, 10 minutes before I was scheduled to leave for the day... I hear cooing in the office. Nothing distict could be made out but you could tell from the tone of the voices that it was something like "oh so cute" or "awwwwwww". I quickly messaged a coworker and asked her why people were cooing, praying inside that someone just brought their puppy into the office... but no it was a baby. She told me to shut my door and before the door even slammed shut tears started forming in my eyes. I had to hear a baby at work... today of all days. I heard the baby and whoever was carrying the baby walk past my office and the baby let out some sort of cry. I cried harder. Any other day I would be out there cooing with the rest of my coworkers but that just wasn't what I needed my first day back. Some unidentified baby in the office just being cute and making me envious for her mother who was able to have a baby and able to hold him/her in her arms and show him/her off in the office.

I can only imagine what she thought of me. I slammed the door shut, didn't even look at the kid. I wonder if she thought, "well I didn't mean to be a distraction to the workers here" and quickly ran off... she certainly couldn't have known my pain that day or from earlier in the week. She probably just judged me as some sort of baby hater and went on with her day. At least that's my point of view since I'm of course the center of everyone's universe. Of course what really probably happened was I closed the door and she didn't even notice or care to judge me at all.

So it's Saturday, approximately 3 days after my surgery and 5 days after I heard the worst news in my life. I ate cereal for breakfast and a bowl full of raspberries with whipped cream. I watch Jersey Shore on netflix because those people have real problems *sarcasm*. But at least they don't talk about their unwanted pregnancy... not yet anyways.

In about 3 months I'm told that I will have recovered enough to begin to think about trying again. Well there's no risk of TMI on my blog anymore, if you've gotten this far you kind of know what's on my mind and I assume you know where babies come from so yeah I'm looking forward to trying again. But I'm also terrified.

Part of the fear of my pregnancy before there was anything to be afraid of... was having a miscarriage but not knowing about it. That's exactly what happened to me. A Missed Miscarriage - or a "Missed Abortion" the actual term of my condition. The fetus dies but the mother shows no symptoms of miscarriage for at least 2 weeks since the death. Yup. My worst fear. I kind of assumed if I were to miscarry that I'd have the cramping and bleeding everyone talked about. But no, I went along with my daily life no differently than any other day. The only symptoms to speak of were my sudden lack of morning sickness and my boobs weren't hurting anymore. Just like that. I kind of thought that was normal for me, I've never been one to get crampy at that time of the month or anything so in my head I always assumed pregnancy would be easy for me.

What am I going to do the next time I see a positive pregnancy test? How am I possibly going to know the baby is growing normally and healthy inside of me without going and seeing a doctor every day... or twice a day! I never thought I'd be the person that needed to do that, I'm no hypocondriac or however you spell that word... but I am going to need reassurance. There are "dopplers" you can buy for at home to hear your baby's heartbeat. They're not expensive - like 50 bucks or more I guess if you want a higher quality one. But yeah I'm definitely going to have to buy one of those. And the first morning I wake up without the morning sickness, I'm probably going to set up an emergency visit with my midwife... Ugh. It's going to be 9 months of hell until I actually hold my baby in my arms.

I've discussed what happened to me on some message boards. Not really a whole lot. It's hard to write what you're feeling when no one really responds on those boards. I'm sure no one really knows what to say to each other. What do you say to a complete stranger who is going through the worst experience of their lives?

One thing I have gained from the message boards is a term... "Rainbow Baby." I don't know the exact origin of this term but I can only assume it comes from the rainbow at the end of the storm. The bright and colorful future with sun and warmth. I can't wait to meet my little rainbow baby. But I'm still mourning my loss.