One of the hardest parts of this tragedy is how I keep going back and forth to believe it's real and knowing it happened to the times of my day where I'm busy and forget that anything is wrong at all.
Like, I'll be busy doing my thing - printing stuff and getting things ready for a conference I have on Friday and then it comes time to stuffing folders and nametag holders and, since it's a mindless task, I think about Lynn and what the fuck... seriously. I think "what the fuck?" and "why" more than anything.
I don't know how to react to this news other than the occasional mental break by watching some sitcom and trying to laugh because for those short periods of time I don't have to think about how Lynn is dead... or worse that she did it to herself.
I've been shopping like crazy, as if that'll do anything. Just spending money here and there. I ordered literally over $300 worth of Victoria's Secret. What the fuck? I know spending money won't bring her back but I feel like it's doing something. I KNOW how ridiculous that sounds. Maybe it's just doing something for me. Maybe I just wanted those cute bras and other crap that I don't really need but am telling myself that I do. Maybe this is all a catalyst for reckless behavior and in my case that means spending money that I shouldn't.
I just wish that there was something I could do that could fix this.
What she did was a mistake that she can't correct.
Gah, if I had a nickel for every time I made a mistake that I wish I could take back I'd be retired. I feel like that's what this is. Just a stupid mistake that should be fixed with an apology letter to everyone she hurt. Just like when you or I make mistakes, we do our best to correct them and then learn from the mistake and move on with our lives.
I know that Lynn would have regretted doing this. I know that this was a mistake. I know that given the opportunity to do it all over again she wouldn't have if she was in her right mind.
There's a reason why I'm not wearing mascara this week. Pretty much, without fail at some point during the day I know I'm going to cry.
I went through a miscarriage and I thought that was the worst thing that ever happened to me but I was wrong. Right now, this is without a doubt a million times worse. At least after miscarrying I learned something from it all, made a few friends, made videos for the hospital about miscarriage, maybe helped people in the process. I would never want to go through that again, but at least at the end of the day I have Nolan now and I've maybe made an impact on the world, even if it's small, because of my experience.
With this, I just don't see me really ever getting over it. I don't see myself at Christmas time opening up presents and not having a thought that this would be so much better if Lynn were here. I don't get to pick up the phone and randomly facetime with her and tell her all the fun things Nolan is doing.
The only silver lining - and I really was looking for one - was that we all got to spend a week together as a family. But fuck that. It wasn't like it was quality time. This is me trying to rationalize this bullshit tragedy into something positive. But it's not. It's always going to be an experience that will haunt me.
What can I do?
For myself, I need to do whatever I can to make it through the day. That might mean taking off earlier from work (I can see that happening today), going to grief counseling (I emailed a provider and am working to schedule an appointment), talking about Lynn and trying to remember the good times... even though now those good times are clouded with an asterisk.
*Lynn killed herself.
That's going to be the thought I have whenever I remember a story about her.
I'll try to remember just the good and that she wasn't herself in that moment when she took her life. But that's going to take a lot of time.
Fuck.
I hope you do not mind me sharing my thoughts as some who has been suicidal.
ReplyDeleteTry to think of it as Lynn died of depression, rather than Lynn killed herself. It wasn't really a "choice" she made but rather she became a victim of depression. I know from experience that when someone is that depressed, you stop feeling like suicide is a selfish act, and start feeling like it would be unfair of others to want you to continue living with so much suffering. (And I do not mean in any way to imply that it is selfish to want her to still be alive; I am simply trying to explain how suicidal moments can feel.) I can say from experience, that it is unlikely that there was anything anyone could have said or did that would have changed how she felt in that moment.
When someone dies from a physical illness, people always say "At least they are no longer suffering." It seems macabre to say that when someone commits suicide, however, perhaps it would not be such a bad thing to focus on rather than how devastating it is that such a wonderful woman is no longer alive.
Thank you for your insight. It's always welcome!
DeleteI'm really trying hard to wrap my mind around her even having depression in the first place. Every time I saw her she was always smiling and I know how much she loved her family. It's just hard to think of someone, either consciously or unconsciously making a decision to end their life especially when she meant so much to everyone in her family.
I'm glad she's no longer suffering, but she was on her way to getting better. She was trying to take medication to no longer feel this way. It just feels so tragic that she was trying to get help and this happened.
I was at my most depressed when I started medication. I had trouble finding the right medication (like most people do) and it discouraged me really quickly. Logically I knew that it was just finding the right medication that worked for me, but every medication that didn't work made me feel all the more hopeless; depression replaced logic many times telling myself that I would never find a medication that would make me want to be alive.
DeleteI was really sad when I read how she died. I never really met her, but she seemed like such a sweet woman. And I know how much harder it would be to accept a death that happened that way.