I don't know what it is... maybe it's being thrown back to reality and being extremely busy at work (and sick!) but Lynn's death still doesn't feel real to me.
Currently I'm in a state of denial - to the point where I'm even wearing mascara today at work for the first time since I came back. I haven't cried in a few days. Probably because I'm just exhausted. But also because not being back at the farm means that none of the real effects of Lynn's death are hitting me.
At night when it's quiet and I close my eyes I sometimes see her. Many of the Salton fam have a picture of them with her as their facebook profile photo. That's kind of what I see when I picture her. Especially an image of her holding Nolan for the first time when she and Eben came to visit. Just all smiles.
It really sucks knowing what was hiding behind that smile. Was this sadness there all along?
I had a fleeting moment over the weekend when Nolan was sick with a fever that we should call her and ask her to come for the day while Brian and I go to work. I said it was fleeting. No sooner than I thought it did I remember that we couldn't call her anymore.
The reality will probably hit again on Mother's Day. I think we'll be going there to put flowers on her grave...
That sucks.
I don't believe Lynn was sad. Her smiles were genuine. I think she was frustrated that she couldn't get things as clean as she would have liked. She knew something about that was not right and thought the medicine would eventually help. After helping me the last time she came in, took that last pill and it was just more than she could handle.Remember that smile. She really did love you guys and so looked forward to spending more time with Nolan. Eben
ReplyDeleteI think it will definitely take awhile to sink in - and I'm sorry that you even have to "relive" it each time instinct says to "call Grandma" for whatever it may be... (((HUGS)))
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