Mischief Managed

It's hard to start this post. Mostly because it's hard to put what I'm about to say into words that will really convey my emotions through the experience of pregnancy loss to having 2 healthy babies at home.

First of all, I'm so incredibly thankful that I have Nolan and Maxwell. And even moreso, that they're both extremely healthy little boys! As a mother, that's about all you want is your children to be healthy and happy and I'm lucky that I know my little boys have a great start to their lives with great health and I hope that they're always happy with their lives.

For me, when I talk about "this experience" it bundles up the whole finding out I was pregnant in March of 2012 - and remembering the emotions that followed up with excitement in telling my family and a devastating crush having a late first trimester loss of that pregnancy. "This experience" also means TTCAL and being PGAL and the worry that surrounds both of those. And finally, "this experience" has led me to the birth of two healthy boys who are mine and I love with all my heart.

"This experience" really runs the gauntlet of emotions for me. I'm a person who holds on to sadness in what I think is a healthy manner where I'll recall emotional experiences and be able to shed a tear or two in thinking about them and it's cathartic in doing so. In the past (almost) 4 years I've gone from crying about every single day about my loss to getting back to my new normal as a person who's struggled with the pain of the loss of a child they never got to know beyond an ultrasound where there was actually a heartbeat at one point.

I think about that baby and what could have been.

I resolve myself to remembering that without that loss, I wouldn't have my Nolan or Maxwell that I have right now. It doesn't mean that I wouldn't have loved the everliving crap out of that baby, but because of that loss I have the family I have now. It's hard to really express why I'm sad about losing a baby when it means that I have the family I have today and I know with all my heart this is the family I was "meant" to have.

Nowadays, it's easier to talk about my loss in a public setting. I can usually get out the words, "I had a miscarriage," to relative strangers to help them understand myself and my struggles more - but sadly it's usually to identify with them as they relay their own personal struggles to me. I get out those words without a tear - sometimes.

Having had a miscarriage has shaped me into who I am today, I guess. It's a really shitty hand to be dealt and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone, but I'm thankful that I've been able to draw strength from within myself to try and help other people who come forward to me with their own struggles who know about mine.

Talking with people who are going through a loss currently almost serves as a window to the past for me. I recall how something innocent, like bringing a baby into the workplace, can be so hurtful for someone who's lost their child.

But here I am, on the other side of "this experience." When I lost my first pregnancy I remember wishing I could see into the future and know when I was going to have my baby(ies) so I could know that my story ends happily. It's such a relief to be able to say that I do have a happy ending and now I feel like our family is pretty darn complete.

To all the people I've "met" along the way, I hope that your story ends happily like mine. Many, many hugs to those that are still struggling to start/complete their family.

Maxwell Christian Salton

Maxwell Christian Salton is finally here! Well, he has been now for over a week but as you can imagine it's pretty hard to get a minute to start typing at a computer before someone needs you!

He was born on February 1st at 9:22pm and a whopping 8 pounds 11 ounces! He has a ton of hair and dark blue eyes (for the moment) and I can only describe him as "absolutely perfect"!

The Birth Story:
Well, needless to say, Maxwell took his sweet time in getting here and I was very anxious. Since his due date was actually January 25th, I was not mentally prepared to have a February birthday baby especially since his big bro was born "only" 4 days late.

Long story short, I kept wondering if I was in labor... what was this... what was that... kind of questions. I had a few scares which seem ridiculous now. He's moving TOO MUCH, must mean fetal distress, right? - let's go to the hospital at 11pm on a Saturday and get an NST. Thankfully the nurses and midwives all seemed to understand my worries and din't make me feel stupid for coming in. "We'd rather you come in and it be nothing than you not to come in and it be something," they said. So I usually left the hospital frustrated but thankful that everything was going well.

The day Maxwell was born, I had a midwife appointment that morning. They did the usual checks and things weren't really progressing. I was frustrated by this, and as a catalyst for my fear there of course was a "snowmaggedon" predicted to arrive on 2/2/16 (the day after this appointment) and I was nervous that I was going to go into labor and have 13" of snow to drive through across town to get to the hospital. Cue fears of delivering in my living room with NO EPIDURAL. I'm not sure which is worse, having to clean that mess up by myself or having to go through the pain!

So I conveyed this fear to the midwife and she asks me how I feel about an induction. To be honest, I wasn't too fond of the idea but she made me comfortable with it and I was just ready to have our little man so we talked about the risks (increased chances of a c-section after laboring was my biggie) and what exactly the process would involve. At this point I jumped at the chance and told Brian to pack up my last minute things (toothbrush and iPad = necessities) and come to the hospital!

Brian hadn't left for work yet thankfully! He normally works later on Monday mornings but I caught him before he was scheduled to go in that day. He was able to collect all the things I requested and met me at the hospital where I was already checked in and getting poked and prodded.

Pitocin... check... Saline drip... check... Penicillin... check 

I had to be connected to the tubes pretty much the entire time which was a pain in the ass. The penicillin was because I was Group B Strep positive so they gave me antibiotics every 4 hours, pitocin obviously is the induction medicine, and the saline drip is just to make me get up and pee every 4 minutes apparently.

So yeah, connected to tubes and monitors wasn't really pleasant. Especially when I had to go to the bathroom and we had to disconnect the monitors and drip stuff so I could walk to the bathroom.

Another part of the induction was breaking my waters. Early on when they checked me they said that the baby was "bouncy" which I guess isn't a good thing to break waters at that point because the umbilical cord can be delivered first and wrap around baby's neck. So we waited to break waters until maybe an hour or two later. When they finally did break the water they did notice a bit of meconium in the water (fancy word for baby poop... yuck!). Way to make an after loss mom fuh-reak right out! Midwives (Donna and Autumn - Autumn was a student so I got to have 2 of em... which sometimes meant twice the checks... but I'm ok with helping people learn so it wasn't a big deal) reassured me that a little meconium is normal and not to worry.

Fine.

Well, after breaking my water the contractions ramped up. I'm not sure if it's because they increased my pitocin at the time or if the waters just accelerated the contractions. Either way this was starting to get painful. To describe the contractions on pitocin vs with Nolan (no pitocin) it was more like there was broken glass in the ute that started getting stabby all at once. With Nolan I remember it being a warm sensation that was painful but it like started small and grew inside me during the contraction. Pitocin was definitely a harsher feeling.

The nurse at one point said, "when is a good time to talk about an epidural?" I said, "it's always a good time to talk about an epidural!"

Like I said, with pitocin they're a little more keen to know your pain management plans. Before they started the pitocin they wanted to know my plans for an epidural and I think if I said I wanted to go without one they would have at least wanted to know if I would consider it.

But yeah, I wish I was on an epidural right now.

Luckily for me, I got my same anesthesiologist (I SPELLED THAT RIGHT WITHOUT THE RED SQUIGGLE LINE THE FIRST TIME #iamsosmart) that I had with Nolan and I could sing his praises from how great the epidural worked for me last time. This time I think they bumped up the medication because my lower half was really numb. I think this worked to my advantage because the pain was completely gone and the numbness lasted well after having Maxwell which helped with the "repairs."

Having an epidural did give me the shakes though, to the point where I felt like I was having a seizure. It was like my entire body was freezing, my teeth were chattering, body was shaking the earth was quaking etc. So they moved me to my side where somehow the shakes subsided.

Back up... at some point they checked me for dilation and I was at 5 cms... then like an hour or two later I was still at 5 cms and I was a little beside myself wondering if I was going to have to have a c-section because I wasn't progressing. Then finally around 7 or so I started feeling that feeling you get when you need to push (poop, it's like when you need to poop). The midwives said since I was on my side and comfortable for the time being they didn't want to check me right then. Then about an hour or so later they came in and the student midwife goes "ohhhhhhhhhhhh yeah" which the teacher midwife goes, "when the midwife said 'ohhhh yeah' you know that's a good sign". Apparently at this point they couldn't even feel ye olde cervix and Maxwell was basically ready to debut.

Within minutes the room was filled with blue gowned individuals (2 midwives from earlier, 2 nurses, and a NICU nurse). They had me start pushing around 8:50pm or so and at 9:22 our little Maxwell was here!!! Good on you, Maxwell, for such a short turnaround time in the pushing dept.

Side note: I did request a mirror while pushing. I actually recommend this, because while the site itself isn't really pretty it wasn't something I wish I never saw. I didn't get to see him fully coming out with the mirror as the midwives needed to be where the mirror stood but it was really cool to be able to have that visual. If you're on the fence about it, I definitely recommend it!

After having our little little man I held him skin to skin for probably about an hour before Brian got to hold him. Initially, he wasn't crying which was kind of frightening for me but the nurses quickly reassured me he was fine. Within a minute or so he did start crying and I knew those lungs were working! Brian cut the cord and they did all the necessary cleanup for Maxwell on my chest. We didn't actually weigh him until much later... maybe even not until around midnight.

We survived the "snowmaggedon" which ended up being like 5" of heavy snow by being held up in the hospital while my mom took care of Nolan.

We're all so happy to have Maxwell in our lives!

Gangsta

On my last day of work before maternity leave I got kicked out of my desk because they're working on some electrical stuff so I'm in the student computer lab #represent.

As I'm officially 2 days overdue, I'm definitely still excited but kind of anxious because nothing appears to be happening right now. I've felt what I thought were contractions for days now but nothing to show for it. Tomorrow I have my big appointment with ultrasound/NST/midwife and I'm going to talk to her about an induction date.

40w2d - still in prematernity pants!

My mom has been in town the past few days because I've been pretty convinced something was going to go down as early as Saturday. She's been AWESOME with Nolan and helping to keep my house clean. Both Brian and myself could use a little work in keeping the house tidy. I'm sure she's annoyed at having to revert to her role as my mom in MY house but she's keeping a smile on her face. We even ordered pizza last night, which, teenager me would have loved. If I treat my mom like teenager me would like to be treated, we're doing ok right?

Today, Nolan is at daycare while my mom goes and visits some people from home. I still feel like no matter what the structure of daycare is really good for him. And it gives him an opportunity to interact with the other kiddos and burn off energy! Since I've been zapped for energy since he was born it's really good for him to channel his energy into some productive play and art time.

BONUS: Asked someone for a kleenex in the computer lab (at the student helper desk, not a random) and she didn't have any. When I walked back to my computer everyone was looking at me like I have 2 heads.

What? You've never seen someone about to explode before?

Due Date Smue Date

January 25, 2016

Today's my due date! This is freaking exciting... but also an extremely frustrating time to be a human.

This weekend I could have swore up and down something was going to happen! My contractions were starting to feel like something bigger than BH contractions. There was a "wave" of adrenaline or something that I would feel just before the tightness started. They were anywhere between 5 minutes (AHH) and like 15 minutes apart.

Remembering from my birthing class - which I only took when I was pregnant with Nolan because I thought I'd remember it all for this time and I didn't have the time to take an entire day to go to a class - that we're supposed to wait until the contractions are long and strong and down to get the friction on before going in to the hospital.

Since I'm still on this side of labor, I can definitely tell you it's way more fun when your water breaks and it's like a fire drill when you're like "it's go time!" There's no timing any contractions when your water breaks, it's just time to get to the hospital and you're on the fast pass to getting admitted and STAYING there.

My last day of work is Wednesday - thank goodness - because I'm not sure how much more of this I can take! Thursday I have booked a looooong day of midwife/ultrasound/NST appointments (per the suggestion and routine of my midwife practice). So I've got that to look forward to! And I suppose that I get to celebrate a 3 day workweek this week (or less... please let it be less).

So let me tell you about my week, cuz since I last updated it hasn't been wonderful.

Windows:

My new window delivery and installation was scheduled for Wednesday last week. Turns out they ordered the windows 3/4" too wide! SONOFABITCH. Our windows are NEEDED to replace the ones that are literally rotting into mulch. I was hoping that we'd get this all taken care of because the baby's room is one that will also be replaced. So apparently we're on the top of the queue for the building of this next set of windows... but we ordered these in October so pardon me for being a bit frustrated to have to wait to do this longer.

Plus sides:
-It will be slightly warmer when they install (I mean, it has to be, right?) so the house won't get as cold as if they did it last week
-While I was home for the install, I noticed the temp in my house was 10 degrees colder than what the thermostat was set for... which means I called the heating guys and brought them out that afternoon to tell me... we have to get a new furnace...

Furnace:

Hear me out, the new furnace thing wasn't exactly a plus - but finding out about the problem when I did made it possible for us to go without heat in the house for 2 days as opposed to probably waiting over the weekend for a new furnace to be installed and waiting for our pipes to freeze or something.

But alas, we did need a new furnace and therefore are spending roughly $4k to keep our house warm (we've got some rebates coming to knock the final cost down to about 3k though).

Plus sides:
-More energy efficient furnace, maybe cost savings will be seen over the next year?
-New thermostat that you can customize a lot more than the one we used to have which will definitely translate to cost savings

Speeding Ticket:

Yup, this is exactly as stupid as it sounds. I don't even want to get into it but I got a fatherf*cking speeding ticket yesterday. Last ticket I got was well before I got married, I want to say at least 6 years ago...  $114 down the drain on top of having to pay for the new furnace.

Plus side:
Eff that noise, they's no plus sides for a speeding ticket!!! GAHHHHHHHHHHHH #thankstrump

Until next time, friends... send labor vibes!

At least I got the expectant mother parking spot at the mall! 

The Baby's About Done Cooking

EEK, I'm 39 weeks 1 day pregnant.

This is seriously such an exciting time in my life right now. There's all the "what is that?" drama of contractions and ahem "water breaking" incidents. My favorite thing right now, since they're not painful, is the "is that a real contraction?" feeling I get every once in a while.

Since I'm not really in any particular hurry to have this baby other than the fact than I want to meet him, I have to say the "is this it?" drama really bodes well with me. My inner kid on christmas morning feeling floods my heart when I wonder if that weird pain I just felt was a real contraction.

Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. But I get to have fun timing them none-the-less!

If I have time to think about it then it's really exciting. And by time, I just mean if I happen to have my phone handy and my contraction timer app at the ready.

Right now I've been feeling something but that could be any number of things including but not limited to:

• Baby stretching, dancing, and bumping his head in the lower reeg thus causing a little twinge

• Gas pains (oh lordy)
• Contractions?????? MAYBE?????

One thing's for sure... I am definitely having braxton hicks contractions. But whether or not they're indicating early labor is still up for debate.

The pain I've been feeling is similar to what I remember with Nolan, but I could be projecting that pain on what I'm feeling and just associating them together. I definitely feel a weight on my stomach when I'm standing up which usually turns into a contraction. I feel tightness when I'm walking which also gives me that lower pain. All of it could me nothing or it could mean something... I dunno.

But I'm 39 weeks 1 day pregnant. 6 days away from my due date!

 

It's also worth mentioning that the entire fam has been sick as a dog in one way or another for about a week. Nolan got a terrible stomach bug (we all got the flu shot so I don't think it was officially the flu) on the night of my birthday. Around 11pm we were all awoken by Nolan throwing up... poor little man! Brian and I thankfully each took care of our respective roles in getting him and his room back into shape for him to sleep later. Brian took care of the sheets/laundry while I took Nolan in the shower to clean off his hair and body from the yuckiness. It was a pretty smooth parenting situation if I do say so myself. Each of us just kind of took care of different things without really discussing it which I am quite proud of.

I decided to stay up with little man, giving him whatever he needed (mostly cuddles) until we were both ready to fall back asleep. Then I win the Macarthur Genius Grant for laying down not one, but two layers of towels on the pillow and bed underneath Nolan and then cosleeping with him until he woke up again to vomiting. The vom got on the towels!

Poor little man wasn't up for much the next day having a slight fever and all so we took to watching cartoons and basically did whatever he wanted to do. We stayed home from work/daycare on Monday/Tuesday to keep the other kiddos safe.

Then of course Friday morning I got sick with whatever Nolan had... or probably what he had. I woke up in the 3:00am hour feeling nauseated and I attributed that to a small dinner I had the night before and considered myself hungry. If I ate a little something then maybe the nausea would go away.

Well it didn't. And I got sick. Barely making the toilet.

You know what's fun about being 38 weeks and some change pregnant and puking your guts out? Absolutely nothing! I was a mess all day scared shitless that I was going to go into labor feeling that sick. I spent the day drinking water and gatorade and taking baths. Thank goodness labor didn't start then and now I'm a few days released from that pain and agony and now I'm back on the "this baby could come any day now" excitement train.

Did I mention I have a f&*(%**& cold now?

Send labor vibes!