It's funny how after you've suffered a loss your thoughts about pregnancy completely change. When I was pregnant, and even before then, I was concerned about a few things regarding labor and delivery of my future babies. They are hot button items in the news today regarding c-sections and episiotomies - both of which I was really against for myself.
Now that I think about it.
Those things aren't that bad.
I will do whatever it takes to have a healthy baby for future pregnancies.
I hate that I even felt negatively towards those things. I think, should I be so lucky to have a healthy pregnancy and the "take home baby", they can cut me limb from limb. Do it without pain killers. I don't care.
The pain I experienced during the first few days following my miscarriage was incredible. It wasn't just emotional pain but physical too. My jaw hurt from crying, my eyes were all puffy, but my heart-which had no actual damage-was breaking. That physical pain made me say, out loud, that there is no pain greater than this.
As someone who definitely entertained the thought of natural child-birth when I was pregnant - no seriously - I think the mere thought of losing my first child will put any actual physical pain into perspective if I decided to go natural for a future delivery. The pain I've been through the past few days has persisted much longer than whatever pain of a delivery is. And I imagine it will continue to last far longer than the recovery of a c-section.
This blog post isn't a declaration of what I plan to do in any future pregnancy but more of a note to self. Something to think about when I do get pregnant again about how I've felt right now, in this very moment, how the pain of pregnancy, the nausea, contractions, etc... how that is nothing in comparison to how I feel right now.
But what do I know?
No comments:
Post a Comment